Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Logline Critique Round Two #36

TITLE: Demigod
GENRE: Adult Adventure Fantasy

When the son of an ancient god is born from a headless statue, Cora, a young midwife, flees her village to protect the newborn from a mysterious stranger who seeks to exploit his power. To reach safety, Cora must cross the Feral Wood, a landscape rife with vengeful forest spirits and nightmarish man-eating predators, and decide whom to trust among the many gods whose interests have been sparked by the child’s ancestry. Her choices will affect the balance of power in the region in ways she cannot begin to imagine.


  1. I don't think you need the last sentence. It's vague and doesn't add anything. Otherwise, this worked for me.

  2. I think this is a very good query but it is a little long for a log line. It sounds like an interesting plot!

  3. I agree that the last sentence could be dropped. Its kinda long as it is.

    I was also confused about the ancient god being reborn out of a statue and THEN the other gods in the woods are interested b/c the child's ancestry. So is the child a god or not? Perhaps he's a god in a vulnerable state?

    I KNOW its hard to condense into so few words, but I can see it would be great, if just clarified.

  4. The key to a successful logline is to give your reader just enough important details to whet their appetite for more. I feel your logline reads more like a good query paragraph, and so have taken the liberty to edit if from 90 words to 59. It may not do your story full justice, but what you want is to get rid of extraneous words and have them crying out for more.

    Cora, a young midwife, flees her village to protect the newborn son of an ancient god from those who would seek to exploit his power. In her path lie the forest spirits and man-eating predators of the Feral Wood. Can Cora bring the child to safety, or will both their lives be lost in this desolate and vengeful place?

    Best of luck with this. (The Feral Wood sent shivers down my spine.)

  5. I agree re: the last sentence. Also the second sentence doesn't quite line up for me:

    To reach safety, Cora must cross the Feral Wood ... and decide whom to trust ...

    Not quite sure how deciding whom to trust helps her reach safety.

  6. I feel like this logline is trying just a bit too hard to fit into the standard logline template. I think it's a good starting point, but not some of the details need to be trimmed. For example, is the child important because he was born from a headless statue? If not, the statue detail could safely go. (I'm just throwing at examples -- you know your story best.)

    Best of luck with wherever you take this. :)

  7. Arg, that's NOW some of the details need to be trimmed. >.<

  8. As written, you're saying that her goal is incited by his birth when it is acually incited by the threat from this mysterious stranger. This threat would be a lot stronger if it was more specific than "exploit his power" as she is risking her life to avoid it.

    The final sentence makes it sounds like she doesn't know what's at stake. If this is true, how is this her story? Is there a narrator telling the reader what this means while she continues on, oblivious to the reality?

    Good luck!