TITLE: The Fiddler King
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Eighteen-year-old King Lesandro and princesa Anna-Maria were to suffer an arranged marriage, until assassins attack Lesandro and Anna-Maria is accused of his murder. When he turns up alive, disguised as a minstrel, they must learn to trust each other as they try to outrun and outfox the new Regent’s forces.
This sounds like an awesome story! Nice pitch. I don't have anything to add.
ReplyDeleteGood luck as you move forward with this!
I liked this. It's very straight forward and easy to follow. Though i don't know why "princess" is italicized
ReplyDeleteI like this one. I agree with the others. It sounds like a fun story, and the pitch is easy to follow. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThis one reads pretty well. You might consider tighening "outrun and outfox" to just one word or the other (outfox sort of implies outrun).
ReplyDeleteSounds like an exciting story!
ReplyDeleteI'm not fond of "were to suffer" in the first sentence. How about
Eighteen-year-old King Lesandro and princesa Anna-Maria are destined for an arranged marriage, until assassins attack Lesandro and Anna-Maria is accused of his murder. When Lesandro turns up alive, disguised as a minstrel, the two of them must learn to trust one another as they try to outfox the new Regent’s forces.
This really needs a much clearer goal. "learn to trust each other" is fine for an inner arc but we need a tangible plot goal. It sounds like it's outrun the Regent's forces. If so, tell us why they need to do this and what will happen if they lose.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I’m tripped up by the tense changes in the first sentence. Should be “ARE to suffer an arranged marriage, BUT assassins attack.”
ReplyDeleteWhy is she accused of his murder when they were attacked by assassins? Didn’t other people see it? If she’s the only survivor, do they really think she killed everyone? Without knowing the story, I can’t suggest how to express this more clearly, but I’m confident you can.
Why must they learn to trust each other? Why do they have to be together at all? I assume he has reasons for pretending to be dead, so she’s still under suspicion. A hint at those reasons might make her motives more understandable.