TITLE: The Tree of Us
GENRE: YA Coming of Age
Connected through the South American orphanage where they first meet, three 13 year-old girls form a bond through a shared journal that travels across the Americas and brings the girls closer to each other and to the truth about the circumstances of each of their births.
I like this a lot. The title is catchy. The more I read the logline, the more questions I have. I have is how does the journal travel? Do they mail it to each other? Are they traveling together? Did they run away? Are they the only ones writing in the journal? How does the journal bring them closer to the truth? My only suggestion is maybe instead of one really long sentence, break it into two and add in a few extra details. Maybe start it like this:
ReplyDeleteConnected through the South American orphanage where they first met, three thirteen year-old girls form a bond through a shared journal.
Ditto on the above comment. I do think you should start a new sentence after "shared journal," but I wouldn't want to lose the spacial dislocation element -- it strengthens our understanding of the bond.
ReplyDeleteWhat are the stakes here? What is the conflict? I like the concept, but you need to tell us why we care about these girls.
ReplyDeleteI like the concept, especially if this is a peek into another culture. I'm wondering if you can name the specific country rather than just the continent, so it's more specific. I also wonder if the girls are traveling together, or the journal is traveling, and if so, then where are the girls?
ReplyDeleteMaybe something like:
Connected through the orphanage where they first met, three 13-year-old girls [share a journal/send each other a shared journal] as they [travel to new countries (name them)/are adopted in separate countries etc.]
Then I would add a line about what the journey means for the girls. What is the central conflict, is it uncovering their birth story in opposition of a repressive government? Are they related and someone is keeping the truth from them?
It sounds like a great premise, just make sure that the pitch includes what the story "problem" is with a hint of how the characters plan to overcome it--in this case, sounds like the journal is the tool.
I'm not sure why I put problem in quotes. It's really is a matter of showing what the story problem is!
ReplyDeleteI get a 'sisterhood of the traveling pants' vibe from this. It's interesting, but not really that strong. Do they want to know about the circumstances of their births? Are they traveling across the Americas, too, and sending the journal too each other?
ReplyDeleteI like the premise a lot, but I also wonder if you might need to specify the conflict for it to be a truly meaningful logline. It's got a lot going for it though. The multicultural aspect, the idea of a journal and the personal secrets it might reveal. I think this is almost there. Just needs a bit more punch.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everything above. I think just adding a one-two word explanation about what finding out means to them would strengthen it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I think you need to tell us if they are sending the journal to each other as it sounds like the journal is travelling around on its own! This would also help to make the girls sound less passive about their goal (which sounds like something they accomplish by accident rather than by design).
ReplyDeleteI am concerned with their ages. 13 is barely YA (some would even say it's Upper MG).
Good luck!
Holly