TITLE: Once Upon a Tiger
GENRE: Middle Grade Adventure
Down in the Exotic Animal Market of Chinatown, the kill buyers are calling for the auction prize, but nobody knows the whereabouts of the rare panther — nobody, that is, except fourteen-year-old Mei Chang … and she isn't telling. Mei, daughter of Chinatown’s deceased cat vet, is determined to save the panther if it’s the last thing she does; and it just might be.
I think you might have something really interesting here but unfortunately I found the pitch a bit confusing.
ReplyDeleteMaybe try something more like
Down in the Exotic Animal Market of Chinatown, fourteen-year-old Mei Chang is the only one who knows the whereabouts of the rare panther set to go on auction but she isn't telling. Mei, daughter of Chinatown’s deceased cat vet, is determined to save the panther if it’s the last thing she does; and it just might be.
The only other thing I might include is why she wants to save the panther. Is she afraid they are going to kill the last panther? if so mention it.
This looks interesting. I'd definitely take a look at what Jamie came up with. It's a lot easier to understand.
ReplyDeleteOne thing - if your protag is 14 you're probably shooting for YA not MG. Either that or lower her age to 12. Sounds like the subject matter might be more MG than YA. Good luck with this.
I also felt a little confused. I know, its hard to get tons of info conveyed in so few words.
ReplyDeleteI like Jamie's rewrite of the first sentence. Perhaps for the second:
Daughter of Chinatown's recently deceased veterinarian, Mei is determined to save the panther from certain death, even if she has to put her own life on the line.
Anyway, play with it...I can sense a good logline just lurking behind the corner. It's really close.
Best of luck!
What you're missing here is the reason she wants to save the beast. Is it her reincarnated brother? Is it her boyfriend? Are their lives connected somehow?
ReplyDeleteI also cannot get over the fact that the title is "Once Upon A Tiger" yet you call it a panther. 0_0 Those are two very different animals. It's like apples and oranges.
I think this logline is mostly good. You have me hooked. But what is a kill buyer? Maybe you can explain this using different words.
ReplyDeleteThat opening line is definitely confusing. It almost seems like random information put together, although I'm sure it's not. I would build on what Jamie suggested. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like Jamie's suggestion to move up the character name to the front, and also to add in why she wants or needs to save the panther. Also, panther or tiger?
ReplyDeleteThere is a clear conflict and interesting circumstances. I think it could be tightened up some though. Maybe something like:
ReplyDeleteDown in the exotic animal market of Chinatown a rare panther goes missing and fourteen-year-old Mei Chang intends to keep it that way. The daughter of China town's deceased cat vet is determined to save the panther from the kill buyers even if it means... (You fill in the rest).
Just brainstorming. Best of luck!
I think the rewrites suggested by several previuous reviewers are heading in the right diretion. The main thing I would point out is that the first half of the logline as it now stands isn't really about the main character; it's about the panthar and the buyers. Jamie's suggested reworking helps by pulling Mei to the forefront.
ReplyDeleteThis would be stronger if you start with her goal and then tell us who is trying to stop her from saving the panther. As written, it feels like it takes a long time to get to this. Also, we need more information about why this might be the last thing she does. Are you saying that these kill buyers are going to kill her? If so, say that. It never helps to be vague in a logline.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Sounds intriguing, but I agree with Jamie's revision.
ReplyDelete