TITLE: Pox
GENRE: Young Adult Fantasy
Isa and her dying brother flee the capitol after Isa kills a guard in self-defense and accidentally steals one of the King’s prized possessions. Armed with only the knowledge that one of the murdered gods is still alive, Isa must find her and return her to power. If not for Isa’s neglected country, then for her ailing brother.
Okay, this one left me confused. First, how to you accidentally steal something? Second, in the first sentence Isa kills a guard, and in the second, one of the gods is still alive. What? The last sentence is not really a sentence and I think you could lose it altogether.
ReplyDeleteIsa and her dying brother flee the capitol after stealing the king's ________ in order to __________. Convinced that __________ is still alive, Isa must find her and return her to power or ___________ will happen.
LOTS of great pieces parts, but the way they are presented is confusing. 'Accidentally steals' tripped me and where did the murdered god come from.
ReplyDeleteHelp me find the one kernel that takes me through the story.
I feel like this is almost two separate plots: one, whatever provokes the death of the guard and Isa's flight; two, this need to return a god to her place to save their country. Which is the primary story? I suspect it's the god, in which case I'm not sure you need to tell us about the theft. If I am reading this right, perhaps start with the fact that Isa and her brother have fled b/c of guard, but upon learning that this god is alive must return?
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by your story, but I think your log line needs some more details and tightening. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis one feels a little jumbled, like one idea doesn't lead smoothly to the next. The pieces are interesting, but they don't add up to an enticing whole. Chelle's rewrite points you in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteOne nitpick -- I'm pretty sure it should be capital instead of capitol. According to dictionary.com, a capitol is the building where the legislature meets, and the capital is the city that is the seat of government. (For some reason, Suzanne Collins chose the "tol" spelling, so when I see it that way, I think of Hunger Games.) (Somebody tell me if I'm wrong on this one.)
You need to connect these plots elements together. Why does she need to find this god (who can't be murdered if she is still alive by the way) and how will this help her brother and what does all of this have to go with a guard and a prized possession?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly