TITLE: The Dragon's Pearl
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Fourteen-year-old Misha has always lived in the shadow of her mother, the most powerful mage in South Korea. When she accidentally awakes a dragon from a magical slumber, she must find the dragon, now disguised as a human, before he targets the person who sealed him away in the first place--her own mother.
I like the premise of the girl in this story, but I don't know what mage means or whether it's a misspelling. I'm a bit confused about the second line since I'm assuming she would have seen the dragon shapeshift when she awakened him. Does the dragon plan to murder,imprison, etc. Misha's mother? "Target" is vague.
ReplyDeleteIf this is who I think it is, congratulations for getting back into the game! :) I've seen a little bit of this before, so I like the logline and I think it's a really good hook. I would like to know why the dragon chose to become human, and why exactly he was sealed away.
ReplyDeleteThis works for me but I need a few more details.
ReplyDeleteIn the second sentence, I'm suffering from pronoun confusion. Who awakens the dragon, Misha or her mother? Technically, you're referring back to the last female which is Misha's mother.
I assume mage is some sort of magician, and that Misha is in her mother's shadow because she is a less powerful mage. How does she awaken the dragon? A spell? Also, the stakes aren't very clear. Target is vague. What does the dragon plan to do to Misha's mother?
Even without the details, I want to read it, but with a little more info I'd definitely be hooked.
I like it.
ReplyDeleteI think "mage" is fine to use. Anyone repping your genre is going to know what it means.
The one thing that stood out for me was wondering what the time period was. If this read "modern-day South Korea" I'd be even more interested in knowing how magic and dragons played into thew world.
I think this is pretty solid, though I'd keep in mind the suggestions made here. When I read South Korea, I envisioned this as modern day, like urban fantasy. If it's not, maybe show a hint of the era. This story sounds really cool.
ReplyDeleteOh, I LIKE this!
ReplyDeleteLike some of the other commenters, I'm wondering what time it's set in, but I'd pick it up to find out.
I'd work to clarify the time period of your piece, like Stephsco said. And the second sentence with the double "dragon" is a little bulky. Maybe try something along the lines of:
ReplyDelete"When she accidentally [wakes] a dragon from [his] magical slumber, [she must find his human form] before he targets the on who [imprisoned/entranced] him in the first place--her own mother."
It was just a little bulky like I said, and that's only a suggestion.
I like how clearly you've done this. My only comments are repeats of the initial pronoun confusion and 'target'. It sounds like the dragon is looking for revenge, and I think that will make the threat seem more imminent.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think one or two words saying if Misha is a non-mage or less skilled mage might give us more character.
Setting the year might also explain more about Misha (her name, her life, how she functions in society under her mother).
Regardless, sounds very interesting and thought out. Good luck!
This is close but it would be stronger if you said that the dragon is already after her mother (then we have actual stakes not the chance of stakes) and if you clarified what she must do. Does she actually just need to find him or does she need to turn him back into a dragon or kill him or put him in dragon prison?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
This works for me. You have the character setup, problem and stakes nicely condensed. I'd avoid giving any more detail (suggested in some of the comments) as this is a logline, not a mini query.
ReplyDeleteI do agree it would be stronger if the dragon was already after her mother, rather than targeting her.
Thanks for all your suggestions, especially the pronoun confusion and the vagueness of the word "target"! I've also tweaked the logline to suggest that this story is, in fact, set in the present day.
ReplyDeleteA quick question of clarity for anyone still here: I'm a bit confused on the difference between the dragon "already being after" and "targeting" her mother. Is this an issue of simply changing the phrase "target" into "wrecks vengeance"?