TITLE: Aspiria
GENRE: YA Speculative Fiction
When fifteen-year-old Dominy is selected to attend Aspiria—an academy renowned throughout the galaxy for its peace missions—his plan is to be the best and stay out of trouble. It definitely does not include starting a rebellion.
There is one complication, he has no weapons. Oh, except his brain.
I'm almost drawn in. 'his plan to be the best' is a little non-descript- I'd like something more tangible, but I love the next line. This is the line that grabbed me.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of ideas in this that don't quite connect. Who is Dominy rebelling against and why? Does he need weapons at a peace academy? When you say his only weapon is his brain, is that an asset or a liability?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Rebecca M in that a few key details are missing. The second sentence really grabbed me. Everything after that feels unnecessary to me.
ReplyDeleteReads a little clunky. I do like the idea of going to a peace mongering academy though, even more so when one starts a rebellion ;)
ReplyDeleteWhen you say Dominy's mind is a weapon, do you mean he's highly intelligent or that it's an actual weapon (he holds the power of telekinesis or something)? I'd also suggest including whether or not Dominy intended to start the rebellion, that would change the mood of the entire log line, and I would change the last sentence to read something like:
The one complication is he has no weapons...save the telekinetic power of his mind.
The, "Oh, except his brain." just strikes me as too flippant.
Interesting premises. Good luck!
Thanks everyone for the feedback.
ReplyDeleteI was trying, unsuccessfully, to be clever and show how the situation is unique (and ironic):
1)A peace academy ends in rebellion.
2)A rebellion where the rebels have no weapons -- only their intelligence.
I'll work on making this clearer. Thanks again. I appreciate it!
If his goal is to start a rebellion, you need to tell us this and you need to incite it so we know why he has changed his mind about staying out of trouble. After that, we need some conflict. Will someone try to stop this rebellion? Does he have anything to lose if it fails?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I think this is almost there! Instead of "his plan..." which doesn't tell us much, you can move the next piece up "he doesn't intend to start a rebellion with [name]."
ReplyDeleteI would then rephrase the rest to something like: When [x] fights back, Dominy [explain the brain thing]. You could throw some voice in too, like "which better work or [explain what happens if he fails]".