Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Logline Critique Round Two #15

TITLE: The Princess Who Was Not
GENRE: MG fantasy

A tween princess, stunned to learn she's not really royal, fears she’ll be forced to return to her biological family of winged foreigners – until the true princess asks for her help on a deadly quest.


  1. I really like this pitch. It's short and to the point. My only suggestion is to maybe add in a tad more detail.

    Winged foreigners intrigued me but I wasn't sure if that meant they are people with wings, faeries or some other kind of creature. Consider naming them.

    My other question is what kind of deadly quest. What is their objective. Are they trying to solve some kind of mystery or obtain some kind of object? What does this true princess want?

    I wish you luck with this, it sounds like a fun fantasy adventure.

  2. I like this a lot! I think a touch more detail wouldn't hurt, but i would be worried you'd muddle down a picth that's already nicely succinct

  3. Agreed. This one works well. The only thing I might expand on is "winged foreigners" (I'm not familiar with the reference, or if it's particuar to the story than could probably do with some brief definition).

  4. I like this too! And you've got an interesting title.

    I stumbled over 'winged foreigners'. Is there another way to tell about her family (and the abilities she may possess)? Like the other readers, I want details of the quest. I'm looking for a hint of how the adventure will resolve the issue you raised in the opening. Best of luck with this!

  5. Simple and clear. However, you missed the stakes. If she does not help the real princess, what is going to happen to her? She is going to be dismissed anyway, so why would she help?
    Maybe she has a choice between staying at court under another title or be sent to strangers?
    I think you do not need "winged foreigners" because it is confusing and does not help understanding the plot although it sounds like a nice detail.Does she have wings too?
    It would be nice to get a little more acquainted with the tween princess. What's her biggest trait? What makes her special?

  6. This sounds like an interesting setup but it makes me ask, then what? Does she agree to the quest? Is it her goal to help the princess? Does anyone make this quest difficult? And how do the winged foreigners help or hinder her goal because they shouldn't be here unless they are either accomplices, antagonists or stakes.

    Good luck!

  7. This feels like the first half of a logline. Is the true princess asking for her help on the quest the inciting incident? If so, I’d drop the part about her biological family, and use the extra space to say why she’s going on the quest, what she needs to accomplish, and what’s stopping her.

    I love the idea of a princess who turns out not to be a princess and what that does to her life. The title is great, too.