TITLE: Keep Your Eyes On Me
GENRE: Upper YA Contemporary
Desperate to atone for the young life he ended in a car accident, seventeen-year-old Roland stakes out on a bridge infamous for suicide in hopes he can save a life and find some closure. When he meets a troubled and hopeless girl named Cassie, he believes he’s finally found someone to save – and fall in love with. But the secret she keeps about the source of her pain could lead them both back to the bridge – and over the edge.
I like this. The ending really popped for me. But it feels too long, particularly the first sentence. I think if you could tighten it more, it would really sing.
ReplyDeleteBut i'd read pages from this
This is a great logline. Answers every question in a flowing, easy to understand way. Like the premise too. Good job.
ReplyDeleteReally captivating plot, but the log line feels a bit long. If you shorten it I think you'll have a very punchy log line.
ReplyDeleteI don't normally go for contemporary but this has me hooked. I agree that it might be a tad too long. Maybe if you cut "in hopes he can save a life and find some closure." I think it's clear he's trying to find someone to save in sentence two and feels repetitive if you put it in both places.
ReplyDeleteI wish you luck moving forward with this. Sounds like you have a great story.
I think this is almost there, maybe a fewer filler words can trim this down. Like, "stakes out on a bridge" reads a little clunky. If there is maybe another way to say that, one strong verb versus "stakes out." I would lose the word "some" and just say closure. Pick troubled OR hopeless for Cassie, and you could also drop "he believes" and just say he's finally found someone to save. I'm not sure the fall in love with is needed, your call. I like the ending line. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThis had me hooked even though it is a bit long.
ReplyDeleteSome words can be easily cut. 14 word cuts in []
Desperate to atone for the young life he ended in a car accident, seventeen-year-old Roland stakes out [on] a bridge infamous for suicide in hopes he can save a life[ and find some closure]. When he meets a troubled [and hopeless] girl named Cassie, he believes he’s finally found someone to save – and [fall in] love [with]. But the secret [she keeps about the] source of her pain could lead them both back to the bridge – and over the edge.
Yeah, this one is very captivating. I second the cuts suggested by June Smalls. To those I might add:
ReplyDelete[young] life - does it matter that the life he took was young? He's pretty young himself.
[save a life] - The next line repeats "save" and works better there IMO, but could maybe reword here. Perhaps:
"Griefstricken over the life he ended in a car accident, seventeen-year-old Roland stakes out a bridge infamous for suicide in hopes he can make atonement...."
Other than that I think it's pretty well written.
Completely agree with June Smalls, I think she nailed it!
ReplyDeleteWith those few changes, this is an excellent logline and would definitely have me hooked.
I like the title too.
Good luck!
The beginning of this would be stronger if you were more specific. Did he kill a friend of his? Was it his fault?
ReplyDeleteAside from that, it's good until the final line where it gets a little vague. How is her secret going to stop him from getting closure? You need to be specific and avoid cliches.
Good luck!
Holly
Another vote for June's version; I think her edits are spot on, and if you make those changes this will be quite effective.
ReplyDelete