TITLE: The Big Ugly
GENRE: Mystery
Left alone to raise their two young boys when his wife died, Jerry Fulks seceded from life. Finding a corpse in his estranged mother’s dining room is what forces him back -- the dead man is a brother Jerry didn’t know he had and the cops think Jerry killed him.
I like this. I think you managed character and stakes pretty well.
ReplyDeleteThe pitch is pretty clear, and with good stakes. I tripped over the phrase "seceded from life." I think you'd be better served using something like "checks out from life" (you can probably come up with something better. (Seceded made me think of people in Texas wanting to break from the USA!)
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, a nice job. Good luck!
This is excellent. I like the domestic intimacy you've created and the horror of the dead body. I might just agree with MGM about 'seceded'. Checked out has more of a vibe but maybe 'seceded' suits Jerry better?
ReplyDeleteYeah, this is pretty tight as it stands and grabs my attention. The stakes are clear (and high). I'm already curious to give it a read.
ReplyDeleteI agree with previous comments re: "seceded"
Great logline!
ReplyDeleteThis is great! Only thing that got me was the "seceded from life." I also tripped on it. Really like the stakes.
ReplyDeleteThe first part of this is written like it is inciting the story but then it sounds like it is irrelevant to the plot. Just say he's a single dad who's depressed because his wife died or something like that, but only if this will have something to do with the plot (and I can't tell if it will). Is his goal to clear his name with the cops? If so, will being a single dad or depressed make this difficult? If so, how? We're looking for conflict here, not just a goal that sounds hard to achieve.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly