TITLE: The Secret at Spindrift
GENRE: Contemporary YA
When thirteen-year-old Ellie McCoy tries to help a teenaged immigrant flee from a human trafficker, the villain kidnaps both girls. Ellie must escape--or disappear. Forever.
I like that this conveys a real feeling in so little words, great job. The only word that made me stumble was villain. It feels more historic rather than contemporary. Maybe criminal, or crime boss...
I'm not a YA expert, but 13 seems a little young for this kind of adventure. (Aren't YA protagonists usually 16/17?)
What I do like is the idea of trafficking and immigrants (very topical!)and the way you convey the story in so few words. The sentence fragment "Forever" may be a bit over-the-top, though. I think you can just write "or disappear forever." It has the same effect without sounding like a movie announcer.
I think this sounds like a great story from its logline, and would love to read pages to see how it develops. Good luck with it.
Ooh, compelling. I felt chills reading this. The only thing I would change is to remove "tries to" which will read stronger. She helps therefore it puts her at risk.
Not sure on the practical difference between escaping and disappearing though (i.e., one presumes disappearing also first requires escape, so it's not really two different options so much as escaping and then choosing between returning home or disappearing).
My first question is why does she do this? My second is, why is she escaping but not helping the other girl to do so too? My third one is, what is the difference between escaping and disappearing? Finally, what happens if she does neither? Will the villain force her to do something bad?
For some reason I wasn't clear what you meant by 'disappear' when I first read this, and I agree that it's unnecessary to separate 'forever'. When I reread it--especially after turning that into one sentence in my mind--I felt a bit foolish, because then it seemed plain that it has to mean the kind of 'disappearance' that really happens all too frequently in that region.
However, I get the feeling from some of the other comments that it's not coming across the way it needs to, so I think you may need to try rewording that.
I like that this conveys a real feeling in so little words, great job.
ReplyDeleteThe only word that made me stumble was villain. It feels more historic rather than contemporary. Maybe criminal, or crime boss...
I think you did a great job with this. In very few words you conveyed plot and stakes.
ReplyDeleteGood job. I wouldn't change a thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a YA expert, but 13 seems a little young for this kind of adventure. (Aren't YA protagonists usually 16/17?)
ReplyDeleteWhat I do like is the idea of trafficking and immigrants (very topical!)and the way you convey the story in so few words. The sentence fragment "Forever" may be a bit over-the-top, though. I think you can just write "or disappear forever." It has the same effect without sounding like a movie announcer.
I think this sounds like a great story from its logline, and would love to read pages to see how it develops. Good luck with it.
Ooh, compelling. I felt chills reading this. The only thing I would change is to remove "tries to" which will read stronger. She helps therefore it puts her at risk.
ReplyDeleteYeah, this one grabs pretty well.
ReplyDeleteNot sure on the practical difference between escaping and disappearing though (i.e., one presumes disappearing also first requires escape, so it's not really two different options so much as escaping and then choosing between returning home or disappearing).
Love it! Very few words conveyed the whole sense of your story.
ReplyDeleteI agree, this is tight and concise and gets the job done. The one word I would change is "villain" which is a bit of a cliché. Also you might add something about Ellie escaping WITH this other girl. They way it's written kind of makes it sound like she just wants to save herself, although I assume she wants to get this other girl out too.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
My first question is why does she do this? My second is, why is she escaping but not helping the other girl to do so too? My third one is, what is the difference between escaping and disappearing? Finally, what happens if she does neither? Will the villain force her to do something bad?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
For some reason I wasn't clear what you meant by 'disappear' when I first read this, and I agree that it's unnecessary to separate 'forever'. When I reread it--especially after turning that into one sentence in my mind--I felt a bit foolish, because then it seemed plain that it has to mean the kind of 'disappearance' that really happens all too frequently in that region.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I get the feeling from some of the other comments that it's not coming across the way it needs to, so I think you may need to try rewording that.
This is definitely a strong concept, though. :)