Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Logline Critique Round Two #17

GENRE: YA historical

Seventeen year old servant girl, Jenny longs for a different life. When her pirate mother returns to claim her, Jenny only has two choices: train to be a pirate or run away. When her mother orders the destruction of Jenny's village, Jenny only has one choice left. Run.


  1. I like this pitch and I think it's almost there.

    I think the only issue is that the first line is too vague. Maybe just start with

    When her pirate mother returns to claim her, seventeen year old servant girl, Jenny has two choices...

    I wish you luck moving forward with this.

  2. This has a nice premise. I like how Jamie flipped it. Interesting mother daughter conflict and pirates are so go right now I really hope you find some treasure in Baker's Dozen .)

  3. I'm not sure i like the double choices.

    First she has two choices: Fight or run. But then right after that you take that choice away and she has to run, so i wonder why even put the first choice in the logline at all, you know?

  4. I like Jamie's idea, too, but I'm confused why the order to destroy her village removes the choice. Wouldn't it just change it: run or fight? Still, it is an intriguing idea for a story.

  5. The first sentence sets us up with a girl who wants a different life. She is then offered one, so I'm not sure what the conflict is. She got what she wanted, didn't she? And as others pointed out, it's not clear why the destruction of the village affects Jenny's choices.

    Love the whole "pirate mother coming to claim her" aspect though.

  6. I agree it's confusing that she longs for a different life and then when offered the choice it's intended to seem like conflict. I think skipping the different life part will help, just start with her mother and then you could add a detail about "the only village she's known" after the option to run away. I think the conflict with her mother can be emphasized, especially if she has loyalties in her village. A very interesting premise, good luck with it!

  7. This needs a little tidying up. You don't need to tell us she's a girl and you should try not to start two sentences in a row with "When her pirate mother/When her mother..."

    Aside from that, we have a choice here but no goal. Also, there are two things to chose from and then it is narrowed done to one so there really isn't any choosing left. Are there consequences to her running? I'm assuming she doesn't want her village destroyed but you don't say that so I'm not sure. Is there a reason she doesn't want to be a pirate? Will someone come after her if she chooses not to be one? It sounds like it since you say she has to run but I don't know what she is running from.

    Remember, any plot that is centered around a choice requires that it is impossible for the character to go with either one. Otherwise, she'd just pick one and be done with it!

    Good luck!

  8. Yeah, this is hard, people! Here's a revision but I know it still needs more:
    A brooch pinned to her cloak is the only connection 17yo Jenny has to the mother who abandoned her. When her mother, the ruthless Red Lady pirate returns to claim her daughter, Jenny is swept into the world of piracy, thievery, kidnapping and murder. Becoming a fugitive, hunted by the king’s guard, living in fear, is not the life Jenny planned.