Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Logline Critique Round Two #26

GENRE: YA Fantasy

Painting things into existence might be a dream come true for any gifted artist, but for Leila it means breaking tradition, getting kidnapped from her island home, and taking a steam-powered journey to self-discovery that could destroy both her village and her chance to be with the boy she loves. One choice can terminate the freedom to choose.


  1. You had me at the beginning, but then lose me by the end. I don't know that you need "One choice can terminate the freedom to choose" because that's inferred in everything you wrote before.

    I'm also not crazy about "journey to self-discovery" because it doesn't really mean anything and also, most characters go on a journey of self-discovery in YA

    BUT! I LOVE the idea of painting things into reality!

  2. 0_0

    Classic example of stuffing the entire plot into a logline. For novels with complicated plots and subplots it is wise--in general--to summerize the first 50 pages of the book into a logline. What happens in those early chapters is the catalyst that sets the story in motion. It's also where a reader decides if the book is worth pursuing. Something MUST happen in those few pages or your novel is pretty much a fail.

    I loved the idea of painting things into reality. If that's your catalyst work with that and (super duper pun alert) *illustrate* the conflict behind it.

    Good Luck.

  3. As an artist, I LOVE the idea of painting things into reality. Agreeing with the above comments, that is SO your hook and really all you need.
    Your line, "One choice can terminate the freedom to choose." confuses me. So, by making a choice you can no longer make a choice? Isn't that an oxymoron?
    The, "taking a steam-powered journey to self discovery..." totally gave me pause and I actually checked to see if this was a steampunk genre. I'd completely drop it to read more like:
    Painting things into existence might be a dream come true for any artist, but for Leila it means breaking tradition, getting kidnapped from her island home, and threatening her one chance at true love.
    Just my two cents :)

  4. You've a great premise here I'm sure is a great read.

    I agree with comments above on cutting the last sentence "journey of self-discovery" and steam-powered for the reasons voiced by Sarah and Zolo.

    Good luck!

  5. I'm on board with the previous comments. There's a lot of interesting detail in here (painting things into reality is a wonderful premise), but after reading it I'm not sure I know what the goals of the main character actually are or who is opposing her.

  6. The first part intrigued me when you talked about painting things into reality. But then I became confused because it mentions "breaking tradition." So then it made me think that there may be others like Leila that can paint things into reality, but it must be forbidden to do so. Perhaps just clarify this? Also the love interest just seems kind of Thrown in there at the end. I Know it's only 100 Words, but mention of an important boy sooner would be good. Writing loglines for a Complicated fantasy can be very challenging. I think T.D.mc Frost has given you excellent advice on this. Best of lucK.

  7. This instantly reminds me of the asian myth about the boy who was such a spectacular artist that his paintings came to life. To combat it, he would leave his paintings unfinished.

    As for your logline however, it's too generic.
    I love your first line, and you should definitely keep that because it sets up the premise.
    Next you need to focus on One Plot. For instance, is she kidnapped because someone wants to posses her ability? Then it should be something like "Leila paints things into existence, a gift she hides carefully, but when an unscrupulous gangster discovers her ability, he wants her to paint him weapons and money. Leila escapes, but the gangsters won't take no for an answer. If they can't have her, no one can."

    Obviously, that's not your story, but it's another place to start. good luck, and remember not to use lists in your logline that could describe anything. The key is to be specific.

  8. Your main character is very passive in this logline. What does SHE want here and how are these things you've listed going to stop her from getting it?

    The last sentence is vague and doesn't tell us anything. I'd get rid of it.

    Good luck!

  9. The concept of painting things into existence is wonderful. (It makes me think of the Japanese folk tale about 'The Boy who Drew Cats').

    But I'm not sure the way you've structured this is saying what you mean to say--i.e., what's the actual inciting incident? Is it the magical painting ability itself that 'means' all these things that you list happening to Leila, or was it perhaps the fact that someone else discovered her ability?

    You've crammed a bit too much in, and I feel like the order isn't quite right, especially with the mention of the boy she loves tagged on at the end.

    Also, why is the 'steam-powered journey' significant? As someone else said, that just made me think of steampunk, but I don't think that was your intention.

    And I certainly agree with everyone about dropping the last line. If you think about it, that's simply a statement of fact that's always true--for anybody, in any situation. It doesn't add anything meaningful about your own book.