Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Logline Critique Round Two #10

TITLE: Darkhaven
GENRE: Fantasy (New Adult)

A rebellious young shapeshifter flees her father's tyranny on the same night he is murdered. Now she must find a way to prove her innocence before she is stripped of both her freedom and the shape-changing gift she loves.


  1. This works for me. It has character and stakes. I'm intrigued to read more.

  2. This is a really cool pitch. My only concern is that other than the word "young" there is nothing in that differentiates the age group. This could easily be anything from MG to YA to New Adult. I'm not really seeing anything in your pitch that signifies it might be a new adult.

  3. Firstly, this sounds cool. I can imagine it will be awesome. I only have a little nitpicky thing to add.

    This sounded like a YA until I saw the genre. Perhaps you might consider adding something to signify the older group. From those in publishing, I've heard that YA is about finding your place in the world, NA is about making your way in that new role. Perhaps tailor the logline that way?

    Just a nitpicky suggestion.

  4. I'd leave out the word "young" too because it makes it seem like young adult. Great pitch tho! Love stories about shapeshifters!

  5. I like the concept -- I'm a big fan of "wrongfully accused" things. I would love a name for our hero, though. Anything you can do to make me care about her from the first sentence is to your benefit and names help me care.

  6. Great logline. Nothing to add. It's tightly worded and caught my interest.

  7. This is a pretty solid logline. I feel like I would like some additional detail to really make this story stand out, but I'm not sure what exactly. She's obviously accused of the crime, but is she arrested or still on the run? Maybe you could elaborate on 'must find a way'--is she in hiding, doing this on her own, or with a friend? Any romantic relationship?

    And maybe you should just state the MC's age rather than saying young to clarify the NA.

  8. Most of this can be re-worked into an incited goal (ie, When a rebellious shapeshifter is accused of murdering her father..., she must prove she is innocent....) After that, we could use a little more information on why this will be difficult. Is someone framing her? And why does she lose her "gift" if she doesn't prove her innocence? And does this hurt her or just make her less happy?

    Good luck!

  9. I too thought this was young adult until I read the genre heading.

    I know it's implied, but perhaps you may want to say she is accused of the murder? I assumed that was the case, but wasn't sure.

    But, honestly, you had hooked me with shape shifter. :-)

  10. Thanks, everyone! I'm not sure of the etiquette on this, and it's probably a bit late anyway, but I'd love to know whether you think the following is an improvement or not:

    Accused of her father’s brutal murder, a rebellious shapeshifter fights to prove her innocence whilst on the run. Yet the obsessive lawman investigating the crime wants to find her guilty, because it gives him an excuse to imprison her and control her gift.

  11. I prefer the original version. (I really don't care for the word 'whilst', for one thing, and the 'yet' beginning the second sentence also sounds a little forced.)

    Frankly, there wasn't anything in the version you submitted that didn't work for me. Just my opinion, of course, but I thought the accusation of murder was clear from the context. (It seems likely that she would have had a confrontation with her father that brought things to a head, and then taken off, and obviously that would look suspicious.)

    Perhaps you could just rephrase it a little and say:

    When a rebellious young shapeshifter flees her father's tyranny on the same night he's murdered, she must find a way to prove her innocence before she's stripped of both her freedom and the shape-changing gift she loves.

    (I toyed with ways to slip in the accusation--like changing it to 'on the same night he's killed, and she's accused of his murder, she must prove', etc.--but I still like the simplicity of what you had.)

    In any case, I think you did a good job with this one. :)