Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Logline Critique Round Two #8

TITLE: Pieces of Me

After 16-year-old Olivia is stunned by random kisses from two guys claiming to be her boyfriend, she discovers she's somehow jumping between alternate versions of her life, each shaped by decisions she made—or didn’t—in her past. If she can’t figure out where she belongs, she might get stuck where she doesn’t forever. But deciding where to stay also means choosing who to leave behind.


  1. I love your premise. And the logline worked for me. Good luck!

  2. I like this pitch it's really strong and sets up the stakes well. Just one minor nitpick, YA is not a Genre it's an age group so you may want to include a genre.

  3. I really like the premise of your story. Also, the stakes are clear. I'd like to read more!

  4. This is a YA fantasy, so label as such. I like it too. It sounds like something I'd read. I'd watch vague words like "somehow" tell us how is she stuck? How is she stunned? Why? "Might get stuck" either she will be stuck or she won't.

  5. Sound like a great set-up.

    One minor quibble:

    It talks about her figuring out where she belongs (and that she could in fact get stuck where she doesn't belong), but then the final sentence implies she has a choice (i.e., that either life would be equally okay). I might suggest dropping the final sentence altogther (and also "forever")

  6. Your premise rocks. I don't even really read YA sci-fi, but I want to read this.

    My nitpick is that you have just a few too many words in the mix. Trim it down.

    If you take out "random," "somehow," "-- or didn't --" and shift "Might get stuck" to "will get stuck," it will read even more strongly.

  7. The thing with love triangles is that they are not about the decision; they are about what makes the decision difficult. In this case, living in 2 realities is not what makes this decision difficult. Yes, it's a complication but we need to know why this will be hard for her. Otherwise, she can just play eenie-meenie and be one with it.

    Good luck!