Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Logline Critique Round Three #32

TITLE: Returning in Time
GENRE: MG Fantasy

When an attack on the King of Montros injures ten-year old Mya’s favorite cousin, she must find a way to save him. The tenacious girl leaves her cavernous mountain home to follow a time-turning boy back into the past to change the future.


  1. This one is almost ready. It could use a little clarity.

    o Why must it be Mya to save her cousin. Why not one of the King's guards, or his parents, for instance. Does she have some skill or magic? Make it clearer why Mya and not someone else must do this.

    o "...change the future" is too vague. It also seems to restate the goal, to save her cousin. Are these two things the same? If they are the same, cut one. If they are different, clarify each of them.

    o Save her cousin from what? Will he die, turn into a mass killer or a giant orange toad? If it is to save his life, say so.

  2. I agree with Margot that this raises a lot of questions, particularly relating to why it must be SHE that does this and what could happen to her in the process. And I'm a bit confused about the relationships. Because you mention the King, I'm assuming her cousin is a prince or someone in the royal family, so I'm curious how that plays in. But she leaves her cavernous mountain home...what does that mean? The castle? The fortress? A big old mansion? A little more specifics would help go a long way.

  3. I think this one just needs a little tweaking to fill in the important details. It left me with a lot of questions.

    What type of injury does the cousin sustain?
    Why does Mya need to save him?
    Calling Mya 'The tenacious girl' seems a bit heavy-handed. Why not just call her Mya?
    Did you mean time-traveling boy? I know what time-traveling is but I have no frame of reference for time-turning.
    Is Mya planning to time travel to prevent the attack and save her cousin? If she is, can you just tell us that?
    The premise sounds interesting, but I need more info for the story to hook me.

  4. Did the time turning boy attack the king? Where does he come in?

    And as others have already stated, we need to know why Mya has to save her cousin. Is she the only one who cares, or does she have some special ability?

  5. There's potential for high tension but I'm wondering how the four characters - the King, the cousin, Mya, and the time-turning back boy are related to one another. I'm also curious about her home - both "mountainous" and "cavernous." Love the idea of a kingdom under a mountain. Sort of Mt. Shasta-ish....

  6. There might be too many characters in this. I agree that it's almost there, but the details we get about the characters raises more questions than might be good.
    Is the boy related to the attack, or is she just using him to time travel? Could you clarify how he relates to the attack if he does? Or cut him out and just say she travels back in time?

  7. "she must find a way to save him" only makes sense if you say he might die. I don't assume near death from an injury.

    Aside from that, we need some more conflict. Will it be hard to go back to the past and change the future? Does anyone want to stop her from doing so? Will she break something else if she does it?

    Good luck!