Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Logline Critique Round Two #16

TITLE: My Best Friend Runs Venus
GENRE: MG Science Fiction

On a planet where everyone has robotic bodies, twelve-year-old Kade has unleashed a crazed hacker and killed his best friend's security wall in one epic blunder. When the hacker takes all the adults out of commission, Kade must cross the stars to stop the damage from spreading.


  1. This sounds really cool, but I think you may have a few too many details that don't all seem to tie together in the pitch.

    While really unique, I'm not sure how the robotic bodies fits in with the rest of the pitch. If it's important to the story make sure it ties into the pitch somehow otherwise consider cutting it.

    Otherwise I think this pitch it pretty tight and well done.

    Good luck moving forward with your project! :)

  2. This works for me. The robotic bodies i think does need to be present, because that shows why the hacker is such a big baddie. Without that, i'd be left wondering how a hacker took down all the adults

  3. I like it. Robotics bodies are too cool. And the blunder is a nice setup. My one comment would be that "to stop the damage from spreading" doesn't feel like very high stakes. Sounds more like a cleanup operation than something dire about to happen.

  4. Interesting idea. And I love the title. The first sentence works for me. In the second, I stumbled over the opening. Is it important to specify 'adults'? Could you reveal what happened to them (with more specific word choices)? A final question: what does he seek across the stars? Good luck!

  5. Your idea is intriguing, to me, but the logline raises more questions than it answers them.
    If everybody has robotic bodies, does that mean they are robots? Does that mean she is a robot, or not?
    I am not sure how unleashing a crazy hacker links to "on a planet where everybody has robotic bodies."
    "His best friend" refer to Kade or the hacker?
    Why does something happen to all the adults and not to the kids? "Stop the damage from spreading" to kids? To the stars? Since all the adults are already "out of commission." What damage exactly? Why does he have to go across the stars? How does what happens to his best friend relate to the main plot?
    You do have everything you need to have here (the main character, the goal and the stakes) but I think you could make it better by using more precise details.

  6. There's another Kade in #23. What are the odds of that?!

    I like the premise of this a lot--my only comment would be to switch the events and say "in one epic blunder, breaches (is 'kill' the correct computer term, if so, use it) his best friend's security wall and unleashes a crazed hacker."

    Good luck with this!

  7. Again, this one also makes me ask, then what? We have a goal by the end of this but we need conflict and stakes. Also, "stop the damage from spreading" is too vague. What does he actually need to do and what will happen if he doesn't do it?

    Good luck!