Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Logline Critique Round Two #4

GENRE: MG - adventure

On the eve of his release from a prison town for unwanted monsters, teenager Bobby Reardon is forced to rescue his vegan vampire dad from an attack he didn't commit. When the investigation leads to a mysterious predator and a plot to kill the entire town, Bobby must rise above his human pride and rally a group of ragtag monsters if he has any chance to save them and his own conflicted spirit.


  1. I found a couple of the sentences a bit convoluted. Maybe:

    "teenager Bobby Reardon is forced to rescue his [wrongfully accused] vegan vampire dad[]."


    "and rally a group of ragtag monsters [] to save them and his own conflicted spirit."

    Does "them" in the last sentence mean the town or the monsters?

  2. Prison town for unwanted monsters sounds very cool.

    A couple of questions:

    1) To me the first sentence implies that Bobby must be an unwanted monster. But the second sentence implies he must be human. Is he a hybrid then?

    2) Was unsure about the line: "... to rescue his vegan vampire dad from an attack he didn't commit." Is he actually trying to rescue him from an attack? Because if his dad didn't do it then he wouldn't be present where the attack is taking place. Or is it that Bobby is trying to clear his Dad's name (i.e. he got blamed for an attack)?

  3. I like the idea of the monster town. I'm a little confused by the wording of this though. Who was released? Bobby or his dad? If Bobby isn't a monster, why was he there? Is Bobby rescuing his dad from attack, or clearing his name? I also don't understand why Bobby's spirit is conflicted.

  4. Simplify simplify simplify. I like the idea of a monster town, but this leaves me with more confusion and questions than I want to have at the end of a log line.

    Character, Problem, Inciting Incident, Stakes, Goal. That's what I want here.

    Soul-sick teenage monster, Bobby Reardon is just about to be set free from monster-town when he uncovers a plot to kill the entire town. Now he must choose to risk his freedom to save the other monsters or watch everyone he knows die.

    But better than that because you know your stuff and I don't.

  5. I'm always worried when I see words like "is forced" or "must". Your main character is supposed to be actively choosing his journey. If he's not, then we'll all think his real goal is to give up and go home!

    In this case, you need to clarify the goal. He wants to rescue his dad from an attack (not sure what kind of attack you mean), but this requires an investigation first? And why is he now trying to save the ragtag monsters instead of his dad? Oh, and his conflicted spirit? These are all listed as goals but we need one clear goal and a bunch of conflicts that will make the goal difficult to achieve.

    Good luck!

  6. This is funny. How can you be a vegan and a vampire? However, some of the ideas, as expressed, leave me confused. Bobby needs to rescue his dad. From what kind of attack *who* didn't commit? Bobby is a monster? But he has human pride? I think that might be part of his conflicted spirit. Simplification will help you to clarify the key points. Good luck with the story!

  7. The idea is interesting and I can see why he could be conflicted being human and forced to befriend monsters. This is going to be a fun read.

    However, I am a little confused by "rescue his dad from an attack he did not commit."
    "He" refers to the dad or Bobby?
    How can you rescue someone from an attack he commits?
    You say it is MG, but you say your MC is a teenager. That might be a problem.
    How can he save his "conflicted spirit"? Conflicted over what?
    I think you need just a little bit tightening and you'll be good to go.

  8. LOVE all the help here - can't wait to dig in and give this thing a tune up. Thank you all a million times over.