Wednesday, April 9, 2014

First Line Grabber #14

TITLE: PUNISHMENT SUMMER
GENRE: Young Adult/Contemporary

Maybe if I hadn't downed that last shot of tequila, I would've noticed Dad sitting at the desk as I climbed through my bedroom window.

38 comments:

  1. Yes! I want to know how dad deals with this situation!

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  2. Yes. Sounds like a problem we've all had in our teen years. I connect with the MC right away.

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  3. Yes. This gives us a great sense of the MC's voice and personality, and promises conflict right away.

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  4. Yes. Uh, oh. She's caught. I want to know what happens next.

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  5. Yes! Funny and horrifying and introduces conflict all at once.

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  6. Yes.

    I definitely want to know what's next and how much trouble he/she is going to be in.

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  7. Yes. Of course I want to know what's going to happen to this character!

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  8. Yes. It creates a tense and dramatic situation, and I want to know more.

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  9. Yes. Perfectly worded. Hilarious, but at the same time, we feel this heart-sinking dread.

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  10. Yes, there is already tension and we learn something about the characters.

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  11. Yes. I already like the character and this line brings about instant conflict. Great job!

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  12. Yes, for all the reasons everyone said, also like the title.

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  13. No
    -because it feels after the moment and I'm now expecting a huge chunk of info-dump backstory about why she's grounded.

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  14. No.
    I'd like to see the action instead of the remorse.

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  15. No. It seems like you've got interesting setup and voice, but it also seems like this isn't the sort of character I, personally, am much interested in.

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  16. No. If you had stopped after 'Desk', maybe.

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  17. No. If you had stopped after 'Desk', maybe.

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  18. Yes- the game's a foot

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  19. No.
    I found this a little confusing. Maybe move the opening to his dad confronting him.

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  20. Yes. Attention grabbing and I want to know who is climbing through the window.

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  21. No. It does do a good job of setting the scene. We know who, when, roughly where, and the conflict. A difficult thing to accomplish in a single sentence.

    For me it's more a matter of personal taste. Something about the flippant tone, bothers me. It certainly establishes a unique voice, just not one I want to read for 300 pages.

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  22. Yes. I want to know what happens next. I like the sense of humour here. Voice is there right off the bat.

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  23. Yes, because it sets the scene, sets a situation, and sets the tone. Also establishes something about main character.

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  24. No. What difference would it make whether she sees him or not?

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  25. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  26. Yes - Great oops moment captured - now I have to see what happens next.

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  27. No. But almost a Yes.

    I like the set up, but are you saying your character wouldn't have climbed through the window had they seen Dad? Otherwise, why would it make a diff? Dad's there whether he/she downed that last shot of tequila, so in that sense, it confused me.

    I think you can make this better with a little tweaking.

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  28. Yes. Makes me want to read more.:)

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  29. No. There's too much information. If the climbing through the window part wasn't there, I'd have said yes. But with it, it makes me wonder if the rest of the novel will be like this. I like crisp, clean sentences.

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  30. No. The length of the line makes it lose its punch a bit for me.

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  31. Yes. Though it's probably not the kind of book I would usually read, this is believable and effective, and the frank quality of the voice feels very natural.

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  32. No.

    Maybe if the MC stumbled through the window and fell in Dad's lap, I might give it a shot. But you're not showing, you're telling, and this isn't happening in real time, it's happening in the past. (If it is in real time, then he obviously did see Dad at the desk because he's commenting on it.) ANd all I can imagine coming next is backstory to explain how he ended up in this situation.

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  33. No. This reads wordy and the impact of the shot and dad finding out gets lost. Streamlining will help make this pop.

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  34. Yes. There's tension right away because of this situation.

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  35. don't hate meApril 10, 2014 at 6:52 PM

    Yes. --BUSTED! It sets up the whole scene nicely.

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  36. No. I think it could be better if it didn't feel like you were talking around the point instead of punching it. The flippant, 'didn't notice what should have been obvious' attitude makes me think 'too dumb to live'. Part of the reason is because there are really no details... I'm picturing her bedroom light on and the desk right in front of the window (hence the 'too dumb to live if she didn't see that'), but if you told me the light was off and the desk was over in the corner... then I could buy it and it would probably be a 'yes'.

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  37. Yes.I think someone who wants to read a contemporary YA novel would love this. All kids have experienced some sort of sneaking around a parent - with or without the shots. It tells a lot about the main charcter.

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