TITLE: ARMED & DANGEROUS
GENRE: Romantic Suspense
Less than an hour and the hostages would die. That thought pushed Army Intelligence Officer Captain Caitlin Stanwyck to the limit of her reserves. No way. She refused to let those men be killed by terrorists.
Hunkered down into the seat of her motorcycle, Caitlin roared up the New Jersey Turnpike toward the Lincoln Tunnel. In the dark, her black leather pants and jacket, black boots, and padded black gloves made her almost invisible.
Wind swirled around her full-face molded plastic helmet, but even inside her protective shell, the smell of synthetic chemicals from refineries stung up her nose. The speedometer indicated 70 mph, yet her vehicle had plenty more to give. Caitlin accelerated, shifted her balance, and squealed her cycle around a curve.
Above her head, a deadly sound intruded.
The rotors of a low-flying helicopter punctuated the air with flat, chopping sounds that reverberated in her ears. Damn. The copter must belong to the Turnpike Police or worse yet, the terrorists holding forty-nine bankers hostage at Lincoln Center. The terrorist payoff resided in the leather saddle bags that hung over the sky-blue color-matched panels on her bike.
Where the hell was Keller? This was getting too complicated.
She wove in and out of traffic, eluding the light that shined down from the chopper.
Up ahead, the entrance to the tunnel loomed dark and mysterious. Caitlin squinted into her side mirror. The guys in the Arctic white Hummer limousine who'd been following her for an hour inched closer.
Lots of adjectives here. I don't think she'd call her motorcycle a vehicle, or the money would reside in the leather saddle bags. She sounds like a bad-ass, but the language doesn't match. Not my usual read, but these are just my thoughts. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteArmy Intelligence Officer Captain Caitlin Stanwyck... is too wordy for me. Maybe find another way to let us know she is a captain and Army Intelligence offider and her name is Caitlin Stanwyck.
ReplyDeleteI think there are too many black this and that's, maybe bunch them together so we know she's decked in black leather, thus making her virtually invisible.
Vehicle. Maybe bike or cycle or the actual make or model of the motorcyle would work better.
Cut out some of the 'that's. ( I find myself putting too many in.)
I have the same problem with adjectives etc...
Keep up the hard work.
A little hooked. Second sentence needs to be reworked.
ReplyDeleteRepetition of black is overwhelming.
Artic white? Too much.
I would read a few more pages to see where this goes.
Lots of action. Saving the hostages being held by terrorists is always fun. Seems a bit overwritten though.
ReplyDeleteIn order to enhance the sense of urgency, you should have short sentences. You wouldn't notice the smells or the colors of things. Your mind would be on how to get to them the quickest.
Intriguing story line though. Love that the savior is a woman intelligence officer.
Starting with action like this is always good. I just find the language a little clunky and that wipes away a lot of the tension. As others have suggested, short sentences would work better. There's no time to mull over a description of her helmet, or the sky-blue panels of the bike.
ReplyDeleteI think if you can dispense with the superfluous description, this could really work.
All the elaborate description really takes me out of the POV. For example, as I'm sitting here, I wouldn't think of myself as Daring Writer Lucy Woodhull, bedecked in a plaid dress which hugs my thighs. See what I mean?
ReplyDeleteThe beginning -
"Less than an hour and the hostages would die. That thought pushed Army Intelligence Officer Captain Caitlin Stanwyck to the limit of her reserves. No way. She refused to let those men be killed by terrorists."
- reads as over the top and a bit cheesy I'm afraid. For my taste, take a step back and simplify it up. Most people go about their jobs without such grandstanding narration of it, even if their job is very, very important and dangerous.
'Army Intelligence Officer' sounds a little too much like 'renowned curator.' Not that that held Brown back any. But still. I think you're trying too hard. We know she's cool. I mean, she's riding a motorcycle. Let the story and her actions show us how cool she is.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I agree with the other comments: This is overwritten and, because of that, doesn't have the sense of urgency a scene like this should have.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest starting with the last parg., second sentence. 'Caitlin squinted into her side mirror. The guys in the white hummer etc.' Right off the bat, we know she's being chased by bad guys which creates instant urgency.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the adjectives. Far too many. Put yourself on that bike and in her shoes. What would be going thru your head? What would you see and feel? Those are the things you want to include.
I liked that you let us know who she was and what her situation was, as well as what she hoped to accomplish. You got in a lot of good info.
Perhaps think a bit more about word choices. "residing" in her bag. the limit of her 'reserves.' A deadly sound 'intruded.' Stuff like that.
First sentence is perfect. Sets the tone and the urgency for a suspense novel. SHORT sentences are key here. Then, I think there's just too much.
ReplyDeleteHow about the next line is something like: "But not on her watch."
Then: "Caitlin Stanwyck of Army Intelligence roared down the New Jersey Turnpike on her motorcycle, weaving in and out of traffic."
Also- all you need is "Jersey Turnpike" to engage the reader's senses. Even if you haven't been to New Jersey. Let them imagine the smells, the noise, etc..
And this line is not needed: "Above her head, a deadly sound intruded."
because the chopper (which seems more like the language she might use) follows.
The other thing is one person sent to deliver a ransom- who is with the government- is far reaching. Although that might be explained later.
Keep working. There's a diamond in the rough here.
I liked this, though I agree there's a few issues that could be fixed. Her name and title are a bit of a mouthful, and I didn't see why the chopper noise was deadly. I also agree that you could cut some adjectives (sky-blue color-matched panels for example). But with some polishing, I think you'll have a great story.
ReplyDeleteI agree that this feels over-written and bogged down with awkward details. Cut the number of adjectives down by 90% at least
ReplyDeleteOne nitpick that jumped out at me.
shined? should be shone.
This looks like it has the potential to be exciting! Right now I’m getting the suspense part; I’m sensing the romance part will be fun, too. However, I think the writing needs quite a bit of cleaning up so that it’s a smoother read.
ReplyDeleteI recommend you read your work aloud to yourself, even try reading into a tape recorder and listening. You might be able to spot the wordiness this way.
The very first sentence tripped me up with her long title and name, but the rest of the paragraph is good. Second paragraph, you only need “black” once.
I wonder why we need to know it’s a “full faced molded plastic” helmet. Seems to me a “helmet” would be just fine.
Fifth paragraph, last sentence: “resided in” is awkward. “Sky blue color-matched panels” is totally inappropriate here. Really pay attention to your pacing. In fast scenes like this one, with urgent action happening, there is no place for cute and colorful descriptions. The tone of the sentences needs to match the tone of the scene.
The last three paragraphs are great! Nice and spare, sticking to the action. I’d read a little more, but my initial impression is that the writing may not quite be ready for prime time.