TITLE: Hand Picked
GENRE: Romance/Light Paranormal
Big, fat, you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me tears threatened to somersault down Haven Montgomery’s face like a dam unleashed on an unsuspecting desert. Forced to keep the flood at bay or risk reprimand, she blinked them away while bumping her way through carousing passengers anxious to set sail on a single’s cruise.
Her flawless escape-tactics hit a snag when she zigged to the right to avoid a bartender and instead rammed into a naked male chest. The impact, combined with her uber-fabulous Manolo Blahniks, sent her into a teetering dance of balance. Her hands flew up in search of a stabilizing force and connected with male muscle. “I’m . . . .”
His hands shot out and landed on her butt successfully evaporating the apology on the tip of her tongue and causing her breathing to hiccup. The parts of her he was intimately palming immediately shot a signal to her brain, “Hello, butt molded into male hands –move.”
Her reaction wasn’t smooth, his grip wasn’t tight and when the tango ended, her spiky heel was digging into the top of his foot.
“Oh,” was the only word to flee from her lips.
“Oh,” he echoed, in a voice tinged with pain.
She stared straight ahead and took a deep breath, embarrassment clouding her vision. When the fog cleared, she realized her hands weren’t only resting on his pecs, they were clutching them.
Dear God let him be drunk and not remember any of this in the morning.
I'm hooked. From the first sentence I could tell this would be my kind of read--funny and light with a likeable (and relatable) heroine. I'm intrigued to find out the identity of the mystery pec-shrouded man and Haven sounds like a girl unlucky enough to get caught in a few more embarrassing moments. I don't get a sense of the paranormal element, but I'm sure that's fleshed out a little later.
ReplyDeleteGreat job and good luck!
Hooked! The humor was just right! And already I want to know more about Haven. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHooked and wanting more. You've got a great voice. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat voice! I'd want to read on to see how long it took her to fall overboard. :-) Don't get a sense of paranormal yet though.
ReplyDeleteI'm not much of a romance guy, but this has a lot of promise.
ReplyDeleteBut a few things threw me, such as "Forced to keep the flood at bay or risk reprimand" ... how is this possible on a single's cruise? Who is forcing her? Who would reprimand her?
Second, I had real trouble with this sentence: "His hands shot out and landed on her butt successfully evaporating the apology on the tip of her tongue and causing her breathing to hiccup."
- her butt successfully ...?
- her butt successfully evaporating ...?
- landed on her butt successfully evaporating ...?
Still, those are minor. Something interesting happens, and I like the voice. I'd keep reading.
Love the voice. Only a couple of things tripped me up.
ReplyDelete"His hands shot out and landed on her butt [insert comma], successfully evaporating the apology on the tip of her tongue and causing her breathing to hiccup."
The other thing is maybe just me, but the obligatory mention of Manolo Blahniks feels dated. Does every rom-com heroine still have to mention her $400 shoes? Your writing seems fresher than this kind of cliche.
Nit-picks aside, I'd keep reading!
I'm with JohnO in that I couldn't see why Haven is worried about risking reprimand. I thought maybe she's actually an employee of some sort, but in that case, it seems it'd be easy to include a sentence about how she has to maintain a pleasant facade for the guests' sake or something.
ReplyDeleteIt's not enough to make me quit reading, though. I'd go on.
I enjoyed this. I, too, wondered who would reprimand her.
ReplyDeleteAt first, I was confused by, "Hello, butt molded...."
I would read more to see what happens.
A little hooked. I like the voice.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I tripped over the first paragraph and the entire piece seems a slightly overwritten to me.
But, I would read a few more pages.
The first paragraph didn't really work for me, but after that, I'm hooked. Lots of fun.
ReplyDeleteI really wish she wasn't fighting back tears, though. Mortified, sure, but the tears make me wonder if I won't like her so much after all.
Lots of fun. "Male muscle." Nice
This is not my usual story and I find the crashing into a well-muscled male chest a little cliched, but liked the addition of the butt-grabbing. I can't say that I was hooked, but I'd read a little further. I'm curious as to what the paranormal element is.
ReplyDeleteI was enjoying this until the part about her shoes. Seems so many chick lit stories are about mc's that have more money than brains. It's becoming a tiresome cliche.
ReplyDeleteHooked, although the first paragraph seems to stumble. Also, I'm not sure if hands "land" seems to passive. Maybe he siezed her butt? grabbed her butt?
ReplyDeleteSounds like a fun story.
Hooked. Your voice is fantastic. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Ditto Lucy Woodhull's comma comment. That sentence is in desperate need of one:)
I'm hooked. The first sentence seems a little overdone but you can discuss that with your editor after your book has sold.
ReplyDeletePs. Murphy's law states that too much praise cannot go un-corrected. Trolls may crawl out from under their bridge to tell you why this sucks. Don't believe them.
I like the voice.
ReplyDeleteI could go for a little butt grab myself, so that hooked me!
I don't mind the shoes reference, other than I am trying of everyone saying 'uber-' but that's just my own pet peeve and certainly not a distraction.
The only part I didn't understand was the reprimand for her tears, but that could easily be explained after 250 words.
I would keep reading on for sure!
Keep up the good work.
Wow! That first sentence was a mouthful! You're describing killer tears here, and then she simply blinks them away with no trouble at all.
ReplyDeleteWhy would she be reprimanded for crying?
Her flawless escape isn't flawless if she hits a snag.
Would her breathing hiccup, or would she?
How does embarrassment cloud one's vision?
You have what seems like a fun character here, but there were too many bumps in the road for me. Not hooked.
I'm not completely hooked. Good voice, solid writing, but the story, the tension, the emotion are getting lost in the wordiness of the passage. Nearly every sentence is overwritten -- most clocking in over 20 words -- and it's bogging down your intro.
ReplyDeleteYour imagery is sending mixed signals. When I read "Big, fat, you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me tears," I think of a quick eyeroll, some frustration, an inconvenient moment. But then you add in "a dam unleashed on an unsuspecting desert," and I think gushing, sobbing, borderline hysteria. Then again with the "flood" and simply "blinking them away." All of these descriptions to tell me she's trying not to cry. Tighten the writing; pick the one spot-on piece of imagery that fits and keep the story moving forward.
This looks like a fun romance and I’m intrigued that it’s paranormal, too. Interested to see what that is.
ReplyDeleteI like the lighthearted tone, but I think this whole thing is overwritten. Sometimes you don’t need an adjective or a cutesy descriptive phrase. More nouns and verbs, fewer adjectives and adverbs!
I don’t know what “you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me tears” are, and you definitely don’t need a dam and a desert in the very first sentence. This is when your reader is first trying to visualize this character and this scene; not a good idea to distract with competing visuals.
What’s with the reprimand? At this point I’m assuming she’s an employee of the cruise ship, but then the Blahniks (besides being cliché) make that seem unlikely. These mixed messages make it difficult for the reader to get engaged in the story.
I’d read on because I like the romance and paranormal possibilities. But I’d be concerned that the writing would need too much work for this to be ready for representation.