TITLE: Vastania
GENRE: Saga
Anne Wolfford, the king of Vastania’s eldest child by birth and the Duchess of Dolomir by marriage, steered her horse onto the winding pine-lined gravel lane. She caught site of Hansden Palace, her sprawling childhood home, as her heaving chestnut gelding rounded a bend. A light, powdery snow fell over the maze of gothic spires and smoking chimneys that capped the fieldstone complex.
Perched on a hill overlooking Hansden City, Vastania’s walled capital, the palace had served as the primary residence of Vastania’s kings for nearly three centuries. The backdrop of a century-long feud between the kingdom’s northern and southern gentry, Hansden Palace’s fortress-thick walls had witnessed a litany of assassinations, plots and bloody coups. Most of the men who ascended to Vastania’s throne presided in the ancient dwelling briefly before meeting violent ends at the hands of rivals or, just as often, backbiting kin.
Anne’s father, the long-reigning King Richard, was a notable exception to Vastania’s hapless monarchs. Exiled as a child when the tides of civil war went against his family, he returned years later to claim the crown by right of conquest. In the early years of his reign, he succeeded in quelling the country’s stubborn feudal wars and had since presided over a period of uncharacteristic calm and prosperity. As such, Anne had no first-hand knowledge of her beloved home’s grisly history. Her happy, formative years spent playing in the palace’s labyrinth of corridors and lush gardens contrasted sharply with the tragic fates of Hansden’s ghosts.
This all sounds like backstory and the first paragraph has too many adjectives--winding pine-laden gravel lane, sprawling childhood home, light powdery snow. Just pick one. I know you are setting the scene, but too much is too much. You have a good voice, but I don't connect with Ann right away. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI stopped reading after the first paragraph. The first line was a mouthful and it was all too telling, too cliche, and not captivating enough to be a lead-in paragraph. Keep working on it!
ReplyDeleteToo much back story and author interference. It would be better if this was from Anne's POV. Sounds like you've built a good world though.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. I had to read the first sentence several times. I don't have an idea what this book is about.
ReplyDeleteToo much backstory, too soon. Start with some action then sprinkle in the backstory in.
But, you have created an interesting world.
I'm afraid I was snorting with laughter at the 'heaving chestnut gelding'. The horse was vomiting?
ReplyDeleteThis sounds suspiciously like fantasy....
ReplyDeleteToo much history removes me from the characters. Not hooked, I'm afraid.
Holy infodump! I agree with everyone else, I want to get to the story! It doesn't read like Anne's POV at all, if it's supposed to be. Maybe this info can be weaved in a bit at a time, through the story itself.
ReplyDeleteWhat genre is "saga?"
ReplyDeleteI didn't read after that because to me that word implies very long, drawn out epic and I don't care for those.
You have a nice, readable writing style, but I'm afraid this scene is a bit dull. As a reader, I could care less about Vastania's ignoble history right now; I want to know more about Anne.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
Heavy on names in the beginning (something I myself am guilty of so I understand the urge to do this!)
ReplyDeleteOverall, I found it overwhelming and am sorry to say that I am not hooked.
This is written in what I call 'writerly' language. It seems you're trying to be a 'writer,' as opposed to telling a story.
ReplyDeleteThink about what you're writing and the words you're using. Do you 'steer' a horse or guide it? Her 'heaving chestnut gelding.' Who talks like that? If it was her horse, might she simply say, as "charlie" (or whatever the horse's name was) rounded the bend? "Fortress-thick" walls? That means those walls are as thick as a fortress, which means the walls could be as thick as the city and castle together.
Less really is more. I don't care if the lane is gravel or paved because the story isn't going to take place on that winding lane.
Keep it simple. Why is Anne returning to her childhood home? That's what I want to know.
Actually, I like all the backstory--the country sounds like it will be a great setting for intrigue. And I enjoyed the evocative description of the castle and Anne's innocence....
ReplyDeleteHooked.
I agree with other critters that the infodump/backstory at the beginning is overwhelming and I started skimming after the first line.
ReplyDeleteSince I have no reason to care about Anne yet, I wouldn't read on.
The first sentence totally loses me! I had to read it three times to understand it. Sounds like Anne is the king of Vastania. Leave out the description of who she is, and incorporate it somewhere else.
ReplyDeleteThe second and third paragraphs felt confusing and just overwhelmed me. Too much information too soon. I can’t keep up. I’m looking for the story here, not the backstory. Nothing is happening except that you’re giving us a history lesson.
This is important for writers, and it’s a good example of why we stress again and again that we need to minimize the backstory in the first few pages or even first few chapters. History when written this way isn’t visual, doesn’t come alive on the page, and so it doesn’t draw the reader in.
When you give too much backstory at the beginning, you think you’re doing it because the reader needs the information. Ironically, it’s going to backfire on you because the reader will not remember all that info you just spelled out for them.
I wouldn’t read any further, sorry. It shows you have a lot to learn about opening a story.