TITLE: SUGAR AND VICE AND NOTHING NICE
GENRE: Adult Fiction
Except for the time Mrs. Haveamore was attacked by geese on the golf course nothing exciting had ever happened at Sugar Trees, until that Wednesday morning when a dead body was found in the pool.
Sugar Trees, a posh suburban community built on the barren outskirts of a teeming metropolis and named for its proliferation of sugar maples was isolated from the mainland by a bridge, a river and miles of highways with billboards hawking everything from diamonds to diuretics. Thus discovery of a bludgeoned body found in a pool never made the Times, the News, or the National Enquirer, but aside from Mrs. Haveamore’s fowl encounter it made headlines in the Sugar Trees Gazette with pictures of the freaked out lifeguard who found the body.
The victim, an itinerant Mexican gardener had recently been hired being cheap labor was scarce and he was the only one among the crew who spoke English. And the only one who had the dim luck to see something he shouldn’t have.
That fatal night the dim-witted peeping tom was behind the tool shed eagerly awaiting his blackmailed mark. A few feet away a lone swimmer was paddling unseen along the floor of the pool. Dorian Oberon never heard the crash of metal crunch against the gardener’s spongy flesh nor his smothered cries as life ebbed from his battered body. But through the rippling water she spied a shadowy figure dash along the length of the deck and stop, silently witnessing her treading the bottom.
Love the opening paragraph. It sets a good tone.
ReplyDeleteI got lost in the third paragraph.
"being cheap labor" I'd suggest "since cheap labor." Who was the "crew?"
Fourth paragraph: Was the peeping tom blackmailing the gardener?
Over all, I like the flow and tone of the story.
Best of luck
I liked the first paragraph; it really pulled me into the story right away.
ReplyDeleteThe second graph packed a lot of information about the setting but "barren outskirts" and "proliferation of sugar maples" seemed contradictory to me. I couldn't reconcile a barren landscape with a lot of trees. The last sentence of this graph seemed to be missing a word or was oddly worded. I think it was the "aside from" clause. I had to reread it.
Third and fourth graphs: Why is the peeping tom "dim-witted"? And the peeping tom is the would-be blackmailer and also the murderer, right--so, peeping tom seems like an odd way to describe him. And while the gardener may have been the only one to have the bad luck to see the murder, didn't Dorian also see something she shouldn't have--the fleeing murderer?
Definitely liked the fourth graph. Hinted at what was to come.
I was hooked!
The first paragraph pulled me into the story. And outside of a missing comma (after sugar maples), the second paragraph flowed nicely.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I was confused by the "being cheap labor" in the third paragraph. Watch the usage of dim in the third and fourth paragraphs.
Overall, I was a little hooked.
This sentence:
ReplyDeleteThus discovery of a bludgeoned body found in a pool never made the Times, the News, or the National Enquirer, but aside from Mrs. Haveamore’s fowl encounter it made headlines in the Sugar Trees Gazette with pictures of the freaked out lifeguard who found the body.
is too long and a little weird - what's the fowl encounter got to do with anything.
I'm not sure that Dorian could see all that from the floor of the pool - is she wearing diving equipment?
But if you trim back there's something intriguing there.
Nice opening sentence (needs comma) and intriguing story. Your sentences are all very long and I'd suggest adding some variety in length. I was a little confused in the fourth paragraph, but I'd read on. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed your opening paragrah. Ho-hum surburban life gets spicier with a murder.
ReplyDeleteSecond graph was rather wordy. Maybe try shortening some of the sentences for the same description but better effect.
Third. Suggest finding a more concise way to say cheap labor was hard to find. And who's crew?
Fourth. I'm assuming the dim-witted peeping tom is the vic in the pool, but not for sure? Maybe some clarification on that.
Overall, I'm interested to see how the small burbs get overturned by a murder, so I'd likely read on.
Keep truckin'.
AMR
Not quite hooked. The first paragraph was a great start, but I felt that after that, there was way too much telling. I didn't get sucked in or lost in the story. You may be on to something here, though, so definitely keep working on it. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat opening paragraph!
ReplyDeleteIn the second paragraph, You might cut 'but aside from Mrs. H's fowl encounter.' It doesn't make sense there since you haven't mentioned her in that paragraph. Then just continue on with 'It did make headlines etc.
Third paragraph is choppy and reads awkward. You might want to rephrase.
You've flashed some interesting characters at me, along with a murder, which grabs ny interest, but there's also something about you feeding me the answers to things before I'm even into the story, that turns me off a bit.
I'm not sure why, but it does make me wonder if I should read more or not. I'd probably go a bit further, but I'd need to get into the story quickly.
I'm in agreement with the general consensus about where the problems are; I also agree this could be charming or funny or wild, depending on what you do with this situation.
ReplyDeleteThe errors, wordiness, etc, which others have touched on would require you to cut your adorable "fowl encounter" pun. If everything else was perfect, your reader could probably be given the chance to enjoy it. But the barren/trees, crew? and garbled phrase about cheap labor...you've kinda used up the reader's good will before you get to the pun. Know what I mean?
So...it needs work, but it could be very worth it!
Is this a mystery or horror? The beginning says mystery; the fourth paragraph, horror.
ReplyDeleteSeveral sentences are confusing and long.
Cute opening, but it gets a little confusing by the third and fourth paragraphs. I'm guessing the dim-witted peeping tom is the gardener, but I'm not sure about the crew and the blackmail, etc. I'm sure this will all be made clear, but I find it a little too mysterious, almost to the point of being vague. Perhaps a stronger POV in the opening would clear that up?
ReplyDeleteFirst sentence is the first paragraph. Too long; break into several? And use active, stronger verbs, not passive, inactive ones.
ReplyDeleteIn the first paragraph I immediately felt like this was going to be a cute cozy mystery. Nice set-up. But I started getting distracted by awkward phrasing and punctuation, right from the beginning and continuing all the way through. (It's not a huge deal, but it's distracting and definitely impacts my impression of the pitch.)
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence of the second paragraph is long and really bogs things down. This paragraph doesn't add much to the story so I'm wondering if it's necessary.
The third paragraph needs to be totally reworded; it's pretty awkward. The fourth paragraph totally loses me. I was immediately asking, "What peeping tom? Who's Dorian Oberon? What lone swimmer?" I was pretty confused.
Looking back to the top of the pitch, I realized that the opening sentence set me up to expect that Mrs. Haveamore was the main character, especially since she's mentioned again in paragraph 2. In fact, by the fourth paragraph I still have no idea who the protagonist is. You mention a lifeguard; a dead gardener; a peeping tom; a swimmer; and Dorian. Yet I don't have a feel for who this story is about.
Sorry, this was just a bit too confusing for me to be interested.
This sounds like Desperate Housewives to me - which isn't a bad thing. You're writing in stereotypes with the Mexican gardener and the Stepford type community - which can be amusing if written well exposing the absurdity of it.
ReplyDeleteNot sure where this is going since the genre is adult fiction - if it were a mystery or women's fiction/suspense it would make more sense to me.
Loved the opening but then I got lost in the description of the community and found my interest waning. Not sure where this is going but with an opening paragraph like that it could definitely be great.
ReplyDeleteA couple of points:
ReplyDelete-lose the 'fowl encounter' at least in the beginning. I would have been hooked more by "Nothing exciting had ever happened at Sugar Trees, until that Wednesday morning when a dead body was found in the pool."
- I like the tone but the information stream needs to be clarified some more. Use of physical descriptions can help to ground us as readers so we know the murderer from the victim from the witness.
Good beginning and ending of your first 250, but if the rest of it is like the middle chunk I'd have a hard time sticking with it.
I like the title and the overall note of suspense. A few points:
ReplyDeleteYou can modify the first line to remove the passive voice.
The second paragraph is a lot of telling. You can remove it or slip this info in little chunks later on. Split the first line into two for greater clarity.
Third para, first line, change being to since.
Dim is repeated twice in close succession.
The last para is nicely written.
I’m partially hooked.