TITLE: A PHONY WAR
GENRE: Thriller
He waited on cold damp rocks inside a small cleft in the shoreline, hiding even in the blackness. At times he turned away, uncertain he truly wanted to see the signal, two quick dots of light on the waters of the narrow channel before him, both an ending and beginning.
The moonless night proved well chosen. One of the highest tides of the year crested within the hour and only occasional translucent colored streaks from the northern lights disturbed the darkness. The relatively calm water, a welcome change from gale seas days earlier, meant easier access.
He stood, resolute but anxious. Years of failure, disillusion and resentment merged with an edged excitement and culmination of purpose. No longer would the bleak Orcadian landscapes frame his ruptured life. This night he exacted retribution.
He left little behind. The small shop and dank, cramped living quarters beneath already felt distant and remote and he claimed no real friends, no one he let close, only his wife dead two years earlier and the primary reason he came to the shore. The others would remember his name and through him hers.
Only the water and the tides mattered. An unyielding ten knot ocean current poured into one end of the great naval harbor and a taut tidal race from the North Sea ebbed and flowed from the opposite side. For centuries the strong currents provided a natural deterrent against intruders but those who watched and waited and learned the ways of the water knew their secret.
Nothing is happening. In the first sentence: "...hiding even in the blackness", doesn't work.
ReplyDeleteWaiting for something to happen is a poor way to begin a story. I want action; I want conflict: I want to know the s*** is going to hit the fan.
My take on thrillers is that they should be all about nouns and verbs and suspense.
ReplyDeleteIt starts out pretty well, but the next two paragraphs get really purple "The moonless night proved well chosen" ... WHO chose it? "Years of failure ... merged with an edged excitement" again, vague. 'bleak Orcadian landscapes" is writerly, but I had to look up Orcadian, and I'm pretty well-read.
Try making it less ornate, and more specific.
I have to say it sounds intriguing and probably a story I'd want to read, but it would have to pick up really quickly. Much more description and I'm wandering.
ReplyDeleteThriller, to me, means instant action and this doesn't have that element.
ReplyDeleteVery wordy. Your descriptions are beautiful, but they do nothing to introduce the MC.
I am not sure what this is giong to be about. Some good descriptions, but not sure how the thriller element comes about.
ReplyDeleteMaybe start out quick, stacatto and save some of the longer descriptive sentences for later.
Too many adjectives. One is plenty and even then an action verb is best. Very descriptive for a thriller. The fourth paragraph has a very long sentence. I'd read on, but would need action soon! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteSlightly hooked. I liked the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteA few things:
Who chose this night?
Through him hers? Doesn't make sense to me.
You need a period after remote (remove and). Make "he claimed no real..." a new sentence.
I'd read on hoping things will pick up.
Not hooked. I should be hooked - your scene definitely has potential - but the words themselves just aren't pulling me in. The writing doesn't have the sense of urgency that I would expect from the situation.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the urgency is missing because almost all of this is back story and description. Consider fast-forwarding to the moment when he sees the signal and then fill in some of these details as you go.
I agree with the above. Though, on a positive note, I like your description of the setting. The tide and northern lights and all.
ReplyDeleteThough I do enjoy the occasional interesting embellished sentence structurally speaking of course, and I don't mind wading through waste deep Orcadian landscapes involving a character disillusioned with years of failure, hiding among cold damp rocks able to hide along the shore on a well chosen moonless night disturbed only by only occasional translucent colored streaks from the northern lights, but I can't stand it when there is an unyielding ten knot ocean current pouring into a great navel harbor that no longer deters dangerous intruders such is our character waiting by those cold damp rocks.
ReplyDeleteNow you now how your readers feel.
I assume this is a prologue and not the main character. The guy will do something to the naval base and trigger the story.
ReplyDeleteA different style and tone but it needs a careful reader. I thought it worked if you stayed with the words. The scene is more about mood and motivation. If action follows, I'm ok.
I'd give it a chance.
This had too many bumps that occur because of over-writing.
ReplyDeletehiding 'even' in the blackness. Isn't blackness easy to hide in?
At times he turned away - from what?
At first the ocean is relatively calm and then the ocean is pouring in and racing.
You really can create the same atmosphere by stating things simply and clearly. Describe the scene as it is, without writerly embelishments and it will work much better.
I found this opening intriguing. However, it didn't seem like the opening to a thriller. A little too slow and introspective. I'd probably still read on, though, as I've enjoyed the descriptions.
ReplyDeleteI think the action needs to start sooner, especially given this is a thriller. The first paragraph piqued my curiosity, but then I started to skim. There's quite a bit of backstory here, especially in paragraphs three and four, that can wait until a bit later in the book.
ReplyDeleteI like the opening paragraph. I can begin to see the MC, the shore, the water, the lights. But unfortunately this piece as a whole didn’t captivate me. I don’t find myself able to engage with this character or this scene.
ReplyDeleteRight after that opening paragraph, we need something to happen. We can’t stay bogged down in reflection, description, and backstory. Your descriptions are nicely written, there are just too many of them and they prevent me from getting into this.
Third paragraph: Really overwritten. Too many big words in close succession: disillusion, resentment, edged excitement, culmination of purpose. They totally lose their meaning. Orcadian landscapes? Ruptured life? It’s beautiful to the ear but I can’t make heads or tails of what we’re talking about here, and I’m wishing for plain English.
The fourth paragraph is worded awkwardly and feels convoluted. By the fifth paragraph my eyes are glazing and I’m skimming to see if something is going to happen.
Interestingly, I found the highbrow nature of your writing to be in direct contrast to the colloquial and casual title, “A Phony War.”
This doesn’t do it for me and I’d stop reading right here. I think you can write; you just need to discipline yourself to stop trying so hard to write beautifully and concentrate on telling a story.