TITLE: Throw Pillows and Other Complications of the Modern Vampire
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
The girl looked so incredibly fragile. Skin as wan as rose quartz, eyes so lightly brushed with blue they were almost clear like sparkling diamonds, her hair was spun white gold. Other than the pale sheen of her skin, everything about her was so utterly opposite of him. Little did she know, never did she even speculate that the dark handsome man walking past her, could, within seconds, crush her into nonexistence.
Someone so delicate working behind the counter of a 24-hour convenient store in this seedy neighborhood and during the depths of the night confounded him. Better yet it intrigued him, compelled him to a heightened curiosity.
She was what lured Machaon into such a wretched human mecca.
The sting of gasoline was still fresh in his nostrils as Machaon walked through the parking lot and stepped up onto the crumbling sidewalk. He eased open the large, thick pane of glass framed in black metal. The tinny, electronic bell rang “ding-dong.” It was truly a trivial notion that such a piddling sound would by any means alert the frail waif of the darkness lurking between the rows of abhorrent plastic wrapped goods.
His onyx eyes rolled at the sight of tumbling frozen liquid, imitations of fruit in garish neon colors. The nostrils of his subtle aquiline nose flared at the putrid scent of highly salted, highly preserved, dead animal flesh. The greasy links were in constant undulation atop a sizzling cooking rack ready for some grubby human hand to snatch one up.
"wan" skin that's rose-colored? a "subtle" aquiline nose? "abhorrent" goods?
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence in the first paragraph changed to the girl's POV. I also thought he stood in front of her. Reading that he stood outside jarred me.
Needs editing and tightening. One is, there are a lot of "so." Also, the man is self-absorbed. People do not think of their features the way he's describing his. For example,"aquiline nose."
There's a promise of an interesting story here.
Not hooked. Thought this was all tell and overwritten.
ReplyDelete"the dark handsome man" and "His onyx eyes" - this is in his POV? I don't think a guy would think about himself this way - or, if he did, I'm not sure I'd like him - he'd not be hero potential.
"alert the frail waif of the darkness lurking" Didn't get this at all.
Definitely needs tightening and make it more show.
How is this vampire story different from the 100s already out there?
Not hooked. Not enough tension or action for me.
ReplyDeleteFirst paragraph needs tightening. "Never did she speculate"? That doesn't make sense to me. Also, inactive verbs slow the story down.
Overwritten in spots, especially "The nostrils of his subtle aquiline nose flared at the putrid scent of highly salted, highly preserved, dead animal flesh."
Sorry.
I'm sorry to say I'm not hooked. I loved some of the descriptions, but thought others were a little too heavy in adjectives. No more than one needed per noun!
ReplyDeleteInteresting ideas at play, but far too many adjectives weakening the writing.
ReplyDeleteToo much description - adjective overload.
ReplyDeleteAgree with thinking he's infront of her, but then he's outside.
See the point on Mr. Vamp not describing his own features, so it's confusing as to whose POV this is from.
Would get to the conflict of the story upfront.
I wasn't hooked, either. But I think paring back the descriptions of the convinence store would help. Everyone knows what a convinence store is like, so you can save the space to describe something more unique to the story. I would suggest keeping hte bit about the electronic bell and doing away with the description of slurpees, hot dogs, etc.
ReplyDeleteActually I liked the covenience store description, but I agree that you should get rid of the description of the vampire in this scene and cut back a bit on the description of the girl.
ReplyDeleteCould get hooked after a rewrite.
I thought this had potential. Some of your descriptions are very nice (The beginning parg up until 'spun white gold.') Others are a bit much and can be toned down.
ReplyDeleteA general rule of thumb is - if it's only in that one scene, and isn't doing double duty in that it helps with characterization, don't waste time on it.
Save the descriptions for the important things, in this case, your characters. If he's that infatuated with the girl, that's what he should be noticing, not all the food in the store. Get us involved with the story, not the scenery.
Needs more work, I think.
Loved your title, but I agree with the others that this is overwritten. Your voice is well suited to the character, but the descriptions go too far. Also, I can't help but think that this is really Edward Cullen in disguise; your vampire is too reminiscent of him to stand on his own.
ReplyDeleteCould be hooked, with some solid editing.
Oh, and in the first sentence of the second paragraph, change "convenient" to "convenience."
The title was great but its breeziness and humour didn't match the scene that followed, which seemed adjective and angst heavy.
ReplyDeleteThere was too much description in this scene for me. The fact that such a seemingly delicate girl is working in a seedy store made me curious too, but I got lost in the description that followed. I think this needs to be pared back a lot. He's a vampire walking into a convenience store. Readers can probably imagine the vampire and the convenience store without much description. I'd like to know what happens next instead.
The thought of a vampire stalking a convenience store worker is intriguing! But this is all overwritten to the point of pushing the reader away. I could take the description in the first two sentences if they were followed by mostly action, because I think those initial descriptive phrases tell us a lot about the POV character Machaon.
ReplyDeleteI have no way of knowing what it means that everything about her is “utterly opposite of him” because it’s not explained, it just lies there. “Little did she know, never did she even speculate” is unnecessarily repetitive. And if this is Machaon’s POV, is he seeing himself as the “dark handsome man”?
More repetition in the second paragraph. “Confounded him… intrigued him.. compelled him…” It seems paradoxical but you would make your point more strongly when you cut the repetition and say it once and say it well.
The last two paragraphs contain far too many adjectives and awkward sentence constructions. I wouldn’t read any further.