TITLE: Murder on a Moonlit Sea
GENRE: Mystery
Cool light filtered through the truck’s passenger window onto Anya’s long, crossed legs. She leaned back against the head rest, waiting in tired silence for Willie and watching the light flicker in criss-crossing patterns over her lap – like her mind, moving between the dead deckhand and this ridiculous stop on the way to her hotel room.
Then the light was gone. The new darkness caused her to turn and look out the window. Foggy from her warm breath, it showed only a blurred image of two hulking, unkempt men. Suddenly they moved in closer and her door was yanked open. She could smell the stench of old alcohol and tobacco that overwhelmed even their nauseating body odor.
“Hey B****,” the man with stringy dark hair said, as he loomed directly in front of Anya, blocking her exit from the car. She looked at him with an even, expressionless gaze, then turned to his companion. Finally, without a word, she faced away from both. She had seen them, considered their threat, and simply dismissed it.
“She must be shy,” said the other.
The closest one reached forward, his dirty fingers greedily grabbing for Anya. She felt the bite of his jagged nails through her coat as he clutched her forearm. Beneath her soft, suede sleeve, Anya’s forearm flexed, her muscle pushing against the weakest part of his grip with a strength that her elegance did not betray. In one motion she turned to face them and rose to her feet, forcing them both backwards.
You might want to consider rewriting your first paragraph. The second sentence is way too long. Who's Willie?
ReplyDeleteIn the third paragraph you say exit from the car when it's a truck in the first paragraph.
Last paragraph "In one motion she turned to face them and rose to her feet..." She's still in the truck. So, rising to her feet would be difficult.
Your description of the bad guys is really good. I could almost smell them!
Truck or car?
ReplyDeleteLike the stinky, sleeze guys.
Some wordy sentences. Maybe they could be chopped into a few shorter sentences.
I didn't understand the strength that her elegance did not betray. I would imagine most would think strength is on the opposite side of elegance.
I would read on to find out what would happen next.
Slightly hooked. I like the MC gusto.
ReplyDeleteHowever, this seems a bit overwritten, especially the first paragraph. I suggest toning it down some.
I would read on to see what happens, if wordy descriptions didn't stop me first.
I'd read on to see what happens, but the adjectives tripped me up--long, crossed legs, tired silence... It gets better from there. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteToo much description and not enough action. Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteHow is the light flickering? We only know there's light. Why the flickering, why the criss-cross pattern on her legs? What is this stop she thinks is so ridiculous? Who is Willy - don't introduce him into the story and then leave it like that. How could she force them both back, if she's only dealing with one man? Is the space there so limited that moving one man moves them both? Why is it so limited, I thought they were in a parking lot?
ReplyDeleteI'd probably keep reading but I could see myself getting annoyed very quickly with it.
Some of the description tripped me up in terms of POV. We're in Anya's POV - does she really stop to notice how long her legs are? "soft, suede sleeve" - he's feeling her sleeve, not her. Seems out of place in her POV. "that her elegance did not betray" - does she sit and contemplate her own elegance? These details are for our benefit and are extraneous to the action at hand. If we must know how long and elegant Anya is, maybe another character's POV could reveal it to us? If she's thinking these things, it makes me think she's quite stuck on herself :)
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the detail of the stinky guys, but not quite hooked. Good luck!
I got tripped up on the "ridiculous stop" phrase. I'd be interested in reading more if I picked this book up, but I'm not sure how far I'd go. I think the author may be trying too hard with all the adjectives, etc. For example, leave out the EVEN and NAUSEATING to describe "their body odor" and DIRECTLY in the phrase "as he loomed in front of Anya." Still, there's lots going on here, and it's easier to edit by deleting than adding new material. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteYou start out with the dead deckhand, which, IMO, is the most interesting thing here, and then you go off and forget him.
ReplyDeleteWould the light be cool?
Both men are at the same door, so she doesn't need to turn to his companion. They're both in front of her.
I'd like to see her force these guys away. You say she does it, but I have no idea how. Simply by flexing a muscle? Give us an image.
I'd also like to know where she is (where is the truck parked.) and where is Willie? What's he doing?
It's not quite there yet, I think. You need to fill in the blanks.
I like the character you've created, but a few errors in detail make me think that this needs a little more work. The car vs. truck, the uncertainty of whether both guys are at the same door or opposite doors, and others mentioned above. Also, how does she turn to face them and rise to her feet in one motion? Isn't she sitting in the car/truck?
ReplyDeleteThis is almost there! Good luck!
I'm not quite hooked. I like the writing style, but I think you've started your story in the wrong spot. In your first paragraph, you have many interesting details: a dead deckhand, a mysterious/ridiculous stop, a hotel room, a partner named Willie; yet the scene unfolds with two stinky bums who try to attack Anya. I'm guessing from the way she ignores them, then quickly forces them backwards, she's going to dispense with them in short order. It makes me wonder why you've chosen to show us this moment of the night, rather than the death of the deckhand, or even a spicy argument between Anya and Willie on the necessity of the stop.
ReplyDeleteBecause originally I started three pages back, and agents kept telling me I started it at the wrong spot. So, I cut to where they said to start it, but it was too abrupt, so tried to introduce it a little. Anyway, I clearly haven't smoothed out the intro enough!
ReplyDeleteThank you for all the feedback!
I’m very interested in this character who is apparently some kind of tough chick who’s about to dispense with these two thugs. I really want to know more about her and what’s going on here. But there are some rough spots in the writing that would make it difficult for me to read on.
ReplyDeleteThe very first sentence breaks POV with “Anya’s long, crossed legs.”
In the second paragraph, the last sentence is awkward and could be simplified to, “the stench of old alcohol, tobacco, nauseating body odor.”
In the third paragraph, I can’t visualize what you’ve written. She’s sitting in a truck, so the door is to her side. The two men can’t be directly in front of her, they have to be to her side. The last sentence in that paragraph is completely unnecessary. It’s telling us what you already did a fine job of showing. RUE. (Resist the urge to explain.)
I like the last paragraph and the promise that Anya is more than meets the eye. I’m wondering about Willie and the dead deckhand. This is not a bad start. I’d read more.