TITLE: THE EMANCIPATION OF HOLLY HOROWITZ
GENRE: Women’s Fiction
A night without a date or lover was rare for Holly, and when she heard the phone ring, she ran down the hall to answer. Unfortunately it was her mother.
“I signed the lease this afternoon, sweetheart,” Leah said. “You’ll change your mind, I just—”
“How many times do I have to tell you I’m not moving in with you after graduation?” Holly ground her teeth. It was a new habit, something she first noticed a few weeks ago. Last year a neurologist said her mother, not a brain tumor, was the cause of her headaches, and now she prayed jaw pain would be the worst of her physical problems this semester.
“You’re not staying in Boston. I forbid it. You’re moving back to Chicago and that’s final. It’s about time you show a little respect, young lady. Remember who supports you.”
“You forget nurses are employable.”
Prone to mood swings, Leah’s anger turned to tears. “Please don’t tell me you’ve already lined up a job somewhere. Please don’t break my heart.”
“I’m hanging up on the count of three. One—”
“Don’t do this to me.”
“I’m hanging up now, Mother. I have to study. Two—”
“No. Please.”
“Three.” Holly slammed the phone on the hook, slumped into her chair and massaged her jaw. She couldn’t take it any longer. She had hoped becoming a nurse would help cut the cord; the guaranteed job was why she selected this major. It was clear now that escaping Leah required more. A husband, perhaps.
I love the mother being compared to a brain tumor!! Now, I know what has been causing all my jaw issues.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice and I think you do a good job setting up the story. Escaping mother by getting a husband sounds like a good plan to me.
So loved the entire line about the MC going to a neuro who said it was her mother not a brain tumor causing the headaches. That was a classic, and got me hooked.
ReplyDeleteHooked. I love the countdown to hanging up on her mother. I wish I had the nerve to do that!
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence keeps throwing me off, though.
I would also break up the "unfortuantely it was her mother." After the first sentence, I would go with the dialogue, then say it was her mother.
Also, her mother doesn't believe in hellos? If not, maybe you could say so. Example, "Unfortunately, it was her mother. She didn't believe in pleasantries...."
I would keep reading.
Good job!
So grateful that my mom and I were close.
ReplyDeleteLoved how you were able to reveal so much of the character with natural narration and dialogue. I.E. her constant stream of dates, just graduating college, overbearing mother. Great job!
Hooked.
Definitely hooked. Loved the voice and the brain tumour gag.
ReplyDeleteThis is an excellent set up and I want to know what happens next
Not as hooked as the others. Leah seems like a well-rounded character, but for me, Holly is a little flat and unsympathetic. I don't get a real sense of her beyond that she usually has a date or a lover. Also, the dialogue feels too on the nose.
ReplyDelete"How many times do I have to tell you I'm not moving in with you after graduation?" Is this something a character would really say or more to inform the reader? As far as where the story is going, I'm not sure what the conflict is. Holly assures us she is NOT moving in with her mother and nurses are apparently highly employable. There may be more coming but I'm not sure I'd read on to find out.
The line about the neurologist's diagnosis is so strong - I wonder if you could ditch the first paragraph and open with the mother's line instead. The story begins for me with that great hook.
ReplyDeleteThe dialog is great and I'm drawn in by the voice. I'd like to get a better feel for Holly, something to make me more sympathetic with her, perhaps an allusion to how long it took her to work up to this level of independence? Or a stronger hint of what her mother actively does to her, like the reference to the mood swings.
I have to admit, I was hooked right up to the last sentence. I was turned off by the idea that Holly would need something outside of herself to escape her mother, like a husband.
That could just be a trick of where the word count cut off, so I would read a few more pages to see how things unfold.
Great job!