TITLE: Santorini Sunset
GENRE: Romantic Comedy
Five tiny little words—uttered in less than a second. That’s all it takes to remove every trace of happiness from the heart. To replace hope, joy, love and bliss with despair, sadness, self-doubt and homicidal rage.
I don’t love you anymore.
If four more words are added to the equation, the heart is filled with betrayal, distrust and the need for years of counseling.
I love your sister.
I never actually went into counseling and I certainly never killed anyone, but the thought crossed my mind on more than one occasion. Slow, painful ways to inflict death on the love of my life, Albert, or as he’s now known, my future brother-in-law.
When asked, I’d be hard pressed to define which was worse, my fiancé leaving me for my sister or her asking me to be her maid-of-honor. I close my eyes at night and see my sweet, beautiful, kind, baby sister looking at me with tear-filled, million-dollar eyes—literally, they are insured for that amount—begging forgiveness and asking me to stand up for her during her joyous nuptials.
“I know we hurt you, Caroline, and I’m so sorry. I’ll understand completely if you refuse to be my maid-of-honor, but you’re the best friend I have. I couldn’t imagine my wedding without you by my side.”
I refrained from commenting about how best friends don’t steal fiancés and was quite restrained when I resisted the urge to rip her beautiful blonde hair from her scalp. Everyone knew the breakup wasn’t Gabriella’s fault. It was mine.
Brilliant. Absolutely love it. Every paragraph has a kick in it. Dying to read on.
ReplyDeleteHooked. I like the voice and subject matter. I immediately connect with the MC.
ReplyDeleteA few things:
I would get rid of "actually" and "certainly" in the fifth paragraph. They slow the piece down.
Do you really need all the adjectives to describe the sister?
Good job!
I like your voice and your MC.
ReplyDeleteAlthough the first half of your page catches interest, after the first paragragh, it slowed down for me...all the way down to "I never actually went into counseling...." I think this sentence is great and should be your first paragraph. It puts the reader right there and explains everything that's explained above, so no repetition.
I would read more. Hooked.
Oh no she won't. She better not say 'yes' to her back-stabbing little prissy sis.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I'm hooked and would read on. I like how she has homicidal thoughts, regardless if she'd act upon them. I'm sure a lot of us gals would feel the same way. Get out the ex's picture and draw a bullseye on it for sure!
The only thing I'm disappointed on while reading this, is I'm getting a feeling the MC may actually consider standing by her sister's side at the alter? Hell, no for me on that one.
Though, it may keep me reading so I can scream at her along the way and hope something better happens instead.
Love the voice. Good writing. And I'd have to keep reading to find out what she did to cause the breakup because I can't imagine it was enough to make her forgive her sister.
ReplyDeleteOh, God. MY novel is set in Santorini too. Deary deary me.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great opening.
This sounds just like a book I recently read by Kristin Higgins, but you did get me with the hook at the end. I like the suggestion above about starting the book with the "I never actually went into counseling..." line because I don't love the opening. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHooked. Without any reservations!
ReplyDeleteAn interesting premise written wonderfully. I loved the twists and jabs at the ends of your paragraphs!
Hooked--although it's hard to see this as a romantic comedy once you mention betrayal, despair, etc. Maybe using more over-the-top descriptions like the "homicidal rage" would convey that MC IS hurt, but she's gonna get back on her feet.
ReplyDeleteGood job. Would definitely read on.
Good concept/twist if there's meat on the bones.
ReplyDeleteMaybe drop the hyphen for a comma and make it more personal for the character (ie, "all it took" and "my heart").
The sister's quote seems vague, expected. Maybe more distinctive if it incorporates traits from both characters, past guilts, etc.
Tighten ("refrained from commenting").
Liked the last line. Good ambiguity, suggestion.
Need more action for me to be hooked. Do more showing than telling to hook me.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others who said to lead with "I never actually went into counseling and I certainly never killed anyone, but the thought crossed my mind on more than one occasion." The sorrowful beginning doesn't scream rom com to me, and might work better a few lines in. But I would read on!
ReplyDeleteGreat premise and strong writing. Hooked!
ReplyDeleteThis is more the crit of a reader than I writer, but I did really like this! The voice hooked me, and the bite in your last sentence sunk the hook in further. I don't usually read romantic comedy, but I want to read this one! *sigh*
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked. I'd rather see the interaction than be told that it happened. I think the premise is promising, if not a bit troubling! It's intriguing and I see how it could be humorous - but if it's a romantic comedy I'd expect to laugh out loud - or at least be tickled - almost immediately to set the tone.
ReplyDeleteI think your first graf could be the "I never actually went into counseling..." graf, because it sets the MC's voice much better than what I read as not so much sadness but whining in the opening lines.
Like I said, great premise though!
I'm not hooked. I like the opening, but I surmise from the phrase "refrained from commenting about how best friends don’t steal fiancés" she said yes to becoming the maid of honor, and that's not an MC I'd like to follow around for 300 pp. Not sure how the break up wasn't her fault, since you opened with the fiance telling her he didn't love her anymore, he loved her sister. Your writing is strong, I just don't care for your characters.
ReplyDeleteI found myself agreeing with everything the previous poster said. I'm sorry but I just don't want to follow this MC.
ReplyDeleteI was moderately hooked until the cliche about the beautiful blonde sister began. And rather turned off when the MC admitted that the break-up was her fault. Cute but the MC seemed shallow and whiny and I wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeleteI liked this despite some of the cliches. I do find the sister a bit hard to believe already--hoping the fiance and sis are written with lots of 3-dimensionality
ReplyDeleteHooked! Nice job! I do believe it'd start with the "I never actually went....." that's more of a hook. Then thread that other few lines you began with further down, cuz they are good!
ReplyDeleteI strongly agree with others that you should start with the "I never actually . . ." paragraph. It's intriguing while the beginning you've chosen is too generalized to be interesting.
ReplyDeleteI could be hooked, if the rest avoids cliché.
I could be hooked even though it's a genre I tend to stay away from. There are enough plot elements thrown at us in the introduction to seed a lot of awkward tension throughout the story.
ReplyDeleteI only hope the wedding/reception is as spectacularly disastrous as the MC's break up was. Good luck!
Interesting, I wasn't as hooked as some of the other readers. I think it's because I really stumbled over the first four paragraphs. Great idea to cut them and start with "I never went into counseling." There's nothing in those first few lines that doesn't get explained right away, so this would not only smooth things out, it would get rid of some redundancy.
ReplyDeleteMy interest was sparked at the million-dollar eyes. That's pretty intriguing! For what purpose would her eyes be insured? A great detail.
Then I was intrigued again at the end of this piece. I do want to find out why the breakup was her fault! If Albert wasn't the bad guy, then there's no reason she shouldn't stand up at her sister's wedding, right?
In the sixth paragraph, watch redundancy. You say twice that her sister asked her to be the maid of honor/stand up for her.
Because you did throw a couple of interesting zingers in there, I'd read a little more to see where it's going.