TITLE: The Aspen Experiments
GENRE: Young Adult
I meant to focus on the admissions counselor, but the funky paperweight on her desk kept squirming into my shoe. Shapes get under my skin, in my mouth even. Sometimes when I see a tasty shape, the empty space of a lamp shade, for instance, I roll it around in my mouth imagining the way the curves would feel on my tongue. Sometimes shapes push their way between my toes, like the paperweight. It's a little distracting.
The counselor pushed a thick booklet at me. "Please sign the back of the handbook, now that you know the rules."
I scribbled my name on the back. Who reads those anyway? My sister Carly signed in the Parent/Guardian space, even though she's neither. She checked her watch again as she handed it back.
"Alrighty," the counselor said, "We're set. Come back at three for your class schedule."
While Carly grabbed her purse I allowed myself a moment to hold the paperweight. It was a glass pyramid, full of tiny metal balls. Ball bearings, maybe. They swirled in slow motion as I turned it over, like astronauts drifting in the vacuum of space. It was a really cool paperweight.
Carly and I headed outside to unload my stuff, shivering in the icy wind. Connecticut in January was ridiculously cold. I would need a new word here, like gouge-out-my-eyeballs-with-an-icicle cold. The school buildings were simple red brick. Their shapes slid down my throat like jello squares.
Interesting concept. I'm a tad confused by the shape thing but intrigued at the same time...enough that I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteI really loved this. Yes, the shapes thing right off the bat was a bit confusing and didn't ground me as well as I'd like...but your voice is fantastic and that's what pulled me in to keep reading. I think if you can clarify a bit more about her connection with the shapes (does she have supernatural abilities? Is it just a quirk of hers used as a means of mental escapism?), then I think you'll have a really great start to something I'd definitely read. Great job!
ReplyDeleteInteresting and different. Nice writing. I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments, the shape thing was a little confusing, but if you clarify what it means later on in the story I think it'll be all right.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is great. I'd read more to figure out what this story is going to be about.
I love it. The begining confused me though but when I got to the next paragraph it all made sense. I'm super hooked!
ReplyDeleteI did have to read the first sentence three times to make sure I read it correctly. But I'd probably read on just to find out why she did this funky thing with the shapes! My first guess is some kind of synesthesia.
ReplyDeleteThough, in the second to last paragraph, I wasn't sure if she was actually holding the paperweight or doing it in her special way.
I was a little confused by the shape thing too, but definitely intrigued. It wouldn't stop me from reading because the voice and setting are strong and I'm curious to learn more about this character. However the next scene needs to give more details about the character and setting, otherwise it will feel ungrounded. (In particular, I'm curious whether the MC is male or female, whether this is a special school, and if the shape thing is a supernatural ability.)
ReplyDeleteI would definitely keep reading.
This is an interesting concept. I would read more.
ReplyDeleteAnd ditto to what Sarah N Fiske said.
I don't think that the shape thing was the best way to start out. Especially since the way it was worded made it seem like that the paperweight was definitely in her shoe. But the concept intrigued me as to why her sister was filling out the forms, is it a special school? If it is maybe do more with the voice? I would read on just to see what was going on.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that the shape thing was the best way to start out. Especially since the way it was worded made it seem like that the paperweight was definitely in her shoe. But the concept intrigued me as to why her sister was filling out the forms, is it a special school? If it is maybe do more with the voice? I would read on just to see what was going on.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit I'm intrigued by the shape thing, and I'd read on to find out more about it. I'm not so interested in why she's at this school or why her sister is signing her in. So if that issue is bigger than the shape issue, or the two issues don't intertwine, you'd probably lose me. Can't say I'm hooked, but I would read on.
ReplyDeleteThis was cool. Unique. I am still trying to figure out how shapes get under her skin, in her mouth, between her toes. Is this an odd form of synesthesia or a paranormal ability? If she had succeeded in "focusing" on the admin counselor, what would that have done for her? Very intriguing.
ReplyDeleteThe shape thing is interesting, for certain. A little awkwardly introduced, but that's okay. I'm curious and would read more.
ReplyDeleteLOVE this
ReplyDeleteFascinating beginning. I think you did a good job on connecting the shapes of objects with the feel of them, and it brought a new dimension to your descriptions. Well done, and as they say, Hooked.
ReplyDelete