Wednesday, July 14, 2010

July Secret Agent #39

TITLE: Unlives of the Undead

"Can someone get rid of the flies? They're ruining the shots," a cameraman said.

"It's Brain-Breath's fault. They follow him like pets," Annabelle said. She flashed a spiteful smile at me.

"Don't call me that," I said, frowning.

"What would you prefer? Rotting Flesh? The Walking Corpse?" Annabelle's smile widened to reveal her fangs.

"You're one to talk, Blood Sucker," I said.

"Oh, how clever! I've never heard that before. How many days did it take for you to come up with it?"

Annabelle's hand shot out, quick as lightning, and closed around one of the flies. She squeezed and then opened her hand. The lifeless bug dropped to the ground.

"Was that your best friend? I'm so sorry you didn't get a chance to say goodbye." She only needed a few seconds to dispose of the rest of the flies circling me.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I couldn't come up with a decent response.

Wicked delight flashed in Annabelle's eyes. She knew she'd won this round, not that she ever came close to losing a verbal spat with me. She was quick-witted, even for a vampire. A zombie like me had no chance of matching her repartee for repartee.

"Tell me you're getting all this," Scott, the shoot director, whispered to one of the cameramen.


  1. I like the in-the-moment feeling and the way you've worked in your backstory/info about the characters along the way. I'm uh, not really into zombies--but it promises to have humor, and that would pull me in to read more.

  2. I like Annabelle already! Nice work with that. I like the title too, it's cute. And the last line has me hooked!

  3. I liked the title. It made me want to read the story. I also appreciated that you got right into the story and I didn't have to wade through a bunch of backstory.

    You might want to add a sentence or two between the first and second paragraphs that gives us a sense of where they are.

    And while the dialogue is funny, it doesn't give us any hint of the plot, so you may want to find a way to work that in. Right now, it's just fun dialogue, but that doesn't pull me in. I might read on for a bit more, but I want the problem. I want to know where it's going. If that didn't come soon, I'd be moving on.

  4. I started out thinking, "yuck" with the lines about the flies.

    But something reeled me in.

    Hooked, definitely hooked.

    I liked the writing style and I would read more. The last line did it for me.

    You've set the tone, introduced us to conflict, given us the protag and his, ahem, problem.

    Then shot us a nugget of info with the last line.

    yep, Hooked.

  5. I like this dialogue, it promises good things for your story! A vampire and a zombie... all sorts of possibilities there, I'm definitely curious where you're going with it.
    The only nit picky thing is the line, "How many days did it take for you to come up with it?" It's a little wordy for such a common response. Maybe just "How many days did that take you?" But that's a tiny thing. Your story just jumped to my top 3 in this contest.

  6. The ending really drew me in here, but I thought there was maybe just a little too much dialogue right in the beginning. I'm curious about where this goes and I enjoyed the back-and-forth between Annabelle and the narrator.

  7. I hate zombie or vampire stories - who cares about the latest trends in stories, blah! But I do like the sound of the characters so far. Could be an intersting story - I might even be tempted to dip into it further. :)

  8. Great premise! I get the feeling that we're watching the filming of a paranormal creature reality TV series. Super fun!

  9. Zombie-vampire repartee and a rolling camera... it's an interesting start, and I'd keep going. Great title.

  10. Interesting. I'd keep reading. Why are a zombie and a vampire being filmed??

  11. What a great title! I would read even if I didn't see anything beyond the title :). But I do like the opening too. It's humorous and chatty, and the characters are promising.

  12. This was funny and fun to read. Love the title, like the dialogue. I definitely want to read on to find out where the story is going. This "voicey" type of project needs a lot of plot right away, or you're at risk of losing your readers, so keep that in mind if you're still working on the draft.

  13. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this submit!

    Very humorous right off the start and great intro to your MC and Annabelle. And I loved the title, too.

    I know everyone tends to roll their eyes as soon as they see another story with fangs, fur, and dead people - but I thought you brought an interesting twist to it.

    I keep coming back to this one, out of the 50 submits - so I have to say, that it's definitely in my top 2.

    I would love to read more, for sure (in need of a CP? :)). Great job - and best of luck with the contest!

  14. Meant to say as well, the last sentence about the camera added another dimension for me - i.e. why was a shoot director there? Why were they human instead of fangy things? Intriguing... yep, I'd read more to see what was going to happen next.

  15. I have mixed feelings about this. Immediately Annabelle strikes me a character who is mean and who will say those things just because. The "She flashed a spiteful smile at me" makes me wonder if she is going to be like throughout the story, because it could get old. I'm interested to know why such an odd combination of vampires and zombies. The dialogue is good.