TITLE: Enchanted Goddesses: The Genesis
GENRE: YA urban fantasy
When I first discovered what I was and what I could do, it freaked me out. I could do something nobody else on Earth could do (and of course, I'm not from this planet, but I didn't find that out till later.) So there I was with some bizarre ability that only superheroes in movies and comic books were supposed to be capable of. Talk about scary.
What got me through it was knowing I wasn't alone. I only had my best friend at first, and then I met the other three girls who also have freakish abilities. I'm not sure you could call what the five of us have friendship, but if so, there aren't any others like ours. I say this mostly because we're not normal, and then there's the fact that we argue and disagree a lot. Despite that, we have a pretty strong bond; one we've had since we were born. Maybe even before that.
Because of the secret we share, we are forever connected and nothing can ever sever that bond (well, maybe if one of us was killed, and these days that's a definite possibility. I panic at the thought of losing one of my friends.) We are inseparable. We are one.
We are the Enchanted Goddesses.
- Aries Peterson, the Air Goddess
I'm not sure if the last line you were just starting to make a list, but either way, I like that you don't tell us right off what the power is that she has. So far so good. I just hope 'something' happens soon so that it isn't just telling. But I have no complaints yet.
ReplyDeleteI liked this even though it's all telling, no showing :)
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The voice is really developing--I like it. Maybe tighten up that first sentence (too many "do"s). But I like the feel, and I would read on~
ReplyDeletebest of luck!
Although I find the idea interesting, it feels like the description goes on a bit too long and is a little redundant.
ReplyDeleteI like it enough to read a while longer, but if the story itself doesn't start very soon I might lose interest.
I feel like your first sentence isn't very strong. It's the comma, I think. I don't want to tell you how to structure your words or anything, but here's a suggestion: "I freaked out the day I first discovered what I was and what I could do."
ReplyDeleteDoes that sound stronger to you? I mean, if it doesn't, by all means, ignore me :P
Your first paragraph seems a tad receptive. You've got four lines that are conveying more or less the same idea.
I feel like everything is a bit too vague. If you're going to start out your book with "telling," it's got to be some very interesting stuff you're telling. Something that hooks me immediately. Being vague just makes me lose interest.
I feel like your first sentence isn't very strong. It's the comma, I think. I don't want to tell you how to structure your words or anything, but here's a suggestion: "I freaked out the day I first discovered what I was and what I could do."
ReplyDeleteDoes that sound stronger to you? I mean, if it doesn't, by all means, ignore me :P
Your first paragraph seems a tad receptive. You've got four lines that are conveying more or less the same idea.
I feel like everything is a bit too vague. If you're going to start out your book with "telling," it's got to be some very interesting stuff you're telling. Something that hooks me immediately. Being vague just makes me lose interest.
I gather from the way this is signed at the end "Aries Peterson, Air Goddess," that this is sort of like a prologue or introduction? I like it as that. I like the MC voice, and I'd keep reading to hear about the other goddesses, etc.
ReplyDeleteIt is a little non-specific (reminds me of the beginning of The Lightning Thief when he's warning people off without telling them what's up), but as long as it got specific right after this, you're in good shape.
I'm not sure that I'd put in the bit about how they argue and disagree a lot as a detail under their unusual friendship. Most teenage friendships have disagreement, so that rings a little false. But other than that, I really am curious how these other-worldly girls will get on!
I guess I'm the odd woman out. This didn't do anything for me. Your MC talked and didn't tell me anything. She has a super ability. What is it? She's from another planet. Where? She has four super friends. Who are they? What are their powers? I don't know. You didn't tell me.
ReplyDeleteWe're supposed to know what your MC knows and you're keeping it all a secret. If you don't want to tell the reader, then why start with this kind of opening? Why not start with the actual story and let us find things out when the MC does?
And then, what's the point? Why does having super powers matter? Again, I don't know. You didn't hint at any kind of problem.
For me, there's nothing here to latch on to.
This seems more like a synopsis than a scene. The bit about Aries Peterson, Air Goddess at the end makes the whole think seem like a quote. Where does the story start?
ReplyDeleteI guess this could be a prologue, but what you have here seems like a synopsis for another story before the one you want to tell. Frankly, I want to read the story where she discovers her powers and her 3 friends :-)
ReplyDeleteGood writing, though.
I like the writing, but I'm not really into it. I personally would like to have some kind of action going on, maybe know what it is that she can do.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Complete honesty here: When I first started reading it, I didn't like it at all. Then I got to the end, and it kinda reminded me of a voiceover at the beginning of a tv show, and when I read it in that way, it started to appeal to me on a different level and I didn't mind the telling so much, and then it became campy and fun for me.
ReplyDeleteAll that said, I can't tell if you meant for it to be a campy-type intro or not. So I guess that's a really long way of saying that I'm intrigued, if only to see what direction this story is going to take.
I do, however, like the idea of five friends connected by an unbreakable bond. I'd peek at more of this.
Having read the other comments, it could be that the telling style here is deliberate. I think I'd like to "see" some of what you're describing here, though. Perhaps that bit comes next? It's hard to tell with only 250 words!
ReplyDeleteInteresting. As mentioned previously - lots of telling not showing, but I read it as a Prologue (although it could be written after the events of the story, so I might be right off beam here). But I am intrigued and would probably read further - even though I'm not a fan of YA urban fantasy, it sounds like it might be an intriguing story.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice. I was afraid of the parentheses at first because they can get old, but it adds a conversational style to it. I like that you give us some information, but withhold the special power. I know what to look forward to and I'm eager to see what happens next. From this I'm guessing that it would start at the beginning of discovering the power.
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