TITLE: FRIED LIVER
GENRE: MG Contemporary
He was the mangiest mutt you ever saw--matted up fur the color of mud and bone skinny. That dog came out of the blue, walked up onto our porch and plopped his ugly self down.
Dad couldn't see it over the big box he carried, and almost tripped. "What was that?" He set down the box labeled MIKE'S WINTER CLOTHES.
"A d-d-dog."
"That animal," Dad said, "is a filthy fleabag." Dirt and Dad were enemies. He clapped his hands and yelled, "Scram!"
The dog didn't scram. He didn't even flinch.
"Skeedaddle!" Dad tried. "Move on home now, ya hear!"
The dog lifted his head and looked at us. It was one sad look.
"Can't we keep him?" I blurted. And for the first time in forever, I didn't stutter. "We can clean him up."
Dad eyed me, then scratched his buzz. "Well, Son, does it look like we have any choice?"
The dog thunked his tail a couple of times like he was saying "thanks." Then he put his big head between his big paws and fell asleep.
Now, if that mutt had known Dad was Major Tom McTavish, he might have moved. 'Cause when the Major says move, people move. Take me. I'm only twelve, but I've already moved seven times. It's like the Air Force has this calendar that says, "Mike McTavish is starting to feel at home. Mike McTavish is making friends. Move his butt right now!"
I really like this! You've characterized the MC, his father (and the dog) in just 250 words. Good job!
ReplyDeleteAwe, you totally took my military brat idea! =) Good characterization. I like it.
ReplyDeleteThis is fantastic! Great voice!
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Love this. You get the set up, a bit of background, the character of your MC, his dad and the dog all in 250 words. Kudos.
ReplyDeleteI want to know more about this boy and his mutt.
I agree, you've nailed the voice. I love, "Dirt and Dad were enemies." I like your first line, but that one would be a great first sentence too, if you ever change it up. Anyway, my only quibble is the dad calling him "Son." It makes the dialogue sound a little hokey or a lot out-dated. But that's an easy fix. Overall I love it. "Move his butt right now!" is another great line. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening paragraph! Wonderful voice. Consider showing the second paragraph. Saying Dad almost tripped was a disappointment after that great opening. Show him trip and almost fall.
ReplyDeleteI do wonder about the stutter, though. Is it completely gone, or was it just that one time? And is Dad saying they can keep the dog because it doesn't seem like it's going to leave, or because the boy stopped stuttering?
Very nice overall. I'd read on.
I like this! I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI also enjoyed the beginning of your story. The only criticism I have is that I felt like the dad, especially given that he seems like a strict military man, gave in too quickly about keeping the dog.
ReplyDeleteMy kids would be hooked. Anything with boys and dogs is usually a winner.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest concern is that the dad gives in so quickly. Seems unrealistic and makes me wonder what will keep readers' attention as the book progresses.
I like that you transition in the last paragraph to the hint of the problem - all the moving, so perhaps that is where your tension comes in.
I'd read on to see. Nice work.
This is awesome!!! Has everything it needs for a strong beginning...Nice work and good luck :)
ReplyDeleteAw, boys and dogs. As a die-hard fan of Where the Red Fern Grows, I can never resist a good story about a boy and his dog. I like the voice a lot. Would definitely read more!
ReplyDeleteI like the characterization of father and son! I like how it's written too :D good job!
ReplyDeleteGreat establishing of some of the major problems of the MC. I love how the dog is just the inciting incident of the plot, but the Story is going to be about something deeper and more personal than that. I also love the line, "Cause when the Major says move, people move. Take me. I'm only twelve, but I've already moved seven times."
ReplyDeleteWell done. And it's not about zombies or the paranormal. Refreshing. :-)
Great establishing of some of the major problems of the MC. I love how the dog is just the inciting incident of the plot, but the Story is going to be about something deeper and more personal than that. I also love the line, "Cause when the Major says move, people move. Take me. I'm only twelve, but I've already moved seven times."
ReplyDeleteWell done. And it's not about zombies or the paranormal. Refreshing. :-)
I'm a sucker for a great dog story, or any story with a great dog. The uglier the better.
ReplyDeleteMy only concern here was Dad giving in so easily. I don't know if he noticed his son didn't stutter, but usually a parent would say something about the dog possibly belonging to someone else before saying, sure, let's keep him.
I really enjoyed this submit!
ReplyDeleteGreat voice, good pace, and a strong set-up.
And of course, I (like many) am a sucker for a good dog story!
I'd definitely read more.
Good luck with the contest.
I like the way this story is going - the main character is appealing, and already I feel sympathy and empathy for him. And I like stories where animals play a strong role. The last sentence works well at giving the reader a clue where it is going.
ReplyDeleteThis has a great voice. MG is not my thing, but this drew me right in.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice. Fun to read! Good job.
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