TITLE: Fictional Alterheroes
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
Bane Hollow was the world's most notorious mass murderer. Perhaps you've heard of his work? He was responsible for the death of Dracula in the late 1800s, he single-handedly took down Godzilla without a scene, and let's not forget the Boogeyman--yes, he killed that, too. At two hundred and six years old, one can assume he was far from youthful, yet you'd never know such things if you saw him. He was a tall man with a boyish face and a glittering smile. He always wore a black trench coat, gloves, alligator boots and a top hat with a feather.
He has lived all around the world, but London was his true love. At night, when he's not working, you can often find him at a ritzy cafe at the heart of Westminster. There, he would have the usual tea and crumpets, sit at a table by the window and read the Daily Express. Quite simple for a man who was very much the opposite; but there's one thing you should know about Bane Hollow: nothing took him by surprise. Did he run when Godzilla was about to stomp him? Oh, no--he yawned. Or how about when a giant spider had him in her web, do you think he squirmed? I'm afraid even she was stunned when he whistled a tune. Ah yes, good ol' Bane was a tough cookie, but all that changed one cold and windy June, when he looked out the cafe's window and dropped his teacup with a crash.
I like the first paragraph. Only one minor thing when refering to the Boogeyman, maybe say, 'yes, he killed HIM, too' (since it is apparant 'it' is a man??
ReplyDeleteBut cute, so far. Can't wait for an action-packed scene.
I like your first paragraph, too. I think I'd shorted your second one, though, so that you get to the real-time story sooner. You don't want to veer too far into backstory too soon.
ReplyDeleteI love it! I don't see how it's middle grade yet, but I'm assuming that will come after the cup breaking? I don't know if you've ever seen Buffy before but your character of Bane reminds me of Spike. I'm most definatly hooked!
ReplyDeleteLove love love love love love! I'm most certainly hooked! I kinda agree with Sarah that I'm not quite getting the MG vibe, but then again I dont really know where your taking the story. Oh, and I also get the Bane/Spike thing! But, anyways, I loooove this and want to read more to see what tripped "good ol'Bane" up! :)
ReplyDeleteNice premise, poor execution. Bane isn't a mass murderer, he's a vigilante, or a bounty hunter if he's being paid to hunt the world's monsters. But he's not a mass murderer.
ReplyDeleteThis keeps shifting between present and past tense.
The boogeyman should be a him rather than a that.
Singulars and plurals are mixed in the sentence that comments on his age.
The second parg. could be shortened. Perhaps cut everything before - There's one thing you should know about Bane Hollow. As a reader, I was getting frustrated with all the set up and wanted you to get to the story.
The good news is it's a great premise (which is what really matters) and the writing is easily fixed.
I like your concept and am curious enough to read on, but watch your tense. There is some problematic tense changing - ...London WAS his true love. At night, when HE'S (implying he IS) not working, you CAN...etc.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure this would work as a middle grade piece. It seems too sophisticated in its construction.
ReplyDeleteIf the text switches to more showing than telling after these two paragraphs, that's good. If not, hmmm.
I would read a bit more to see where it's going. But a hero who is sooo perfect can be boring.
I liked the beginning. I'm assuming he's killed more than three creatures to be known as a 'mass murderer' though. And Boogeyman should be him, not that, I think.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph didn't work for me though. In the first sentence, you change between tenses (He HAS... London WAS). Then it goes into a lot more backstory that left me wondering what was actually going to happen in this story. I'd cut everything after Westminster, and pick up again at "Good ol' Bane".
i liked this alot as well. but am wondering how this is MG with a character that is 206 years old. there seems to be some telling here that i would have liked to see shown.
ReplyDeleteI liked the story line, it was good and i got hooked. However, i think the way you set up your setting wasn't so good , i think it was uneven at some part. It did paint a good picture about who Bane Hollow and how he is . So i think u did a great job at characterization. There are some bad word choice, but it's definitely a story that i would like to continue to read. Great Job !!
ReplyDeleteI liked the bit where he drops his teacup. There's some nice humor here. It is quite "tell-y" but I'm wondering if this is setting up for something and the telling is deliberate. Do watch the tenses to keep things consistent e.g. "has lived" = "London is" and "one thing you should know" = "nothing takes him". It doesn't matter which one you pick, but do make it consistent throughout. Nice voice.
ReplyDeleteI have mixed feelings about it. Like the others I don't see MG yet, it sounds more adult but maybe this is a prologue and we'll see the MG character soon.
ReplyDeleteThat last sentence is where it got interesting and I would read on to find out why he dropped his teacup.
To me, this reads more like a synopsis or a character profile than the start of a novel. There's a lot of telling and minimal action (just the drop of a teacup). I think there are better ways to introduce all of Bane's backstory where it doesn't come as a giant information dump. Especially if Bane isn't the main character, this doesn't seem like the best way to introduce him and all of his accomplishments.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the title strikes me as odd. It's perplexing, probably enough so that I would pick the book up if I saw it in the store, but I have a tough time looking at the title and imagining a working premise. But that's after reading just 250 words so I could most certainly be wrong about how well the title works.
I can see the middle grade in the tone. I think this is different for an opening, and I enjoyed it. Yeah, a few technical things here and there, but overall, it's a strong premise with an engaging voice.
ReplyDeleteI would read more. You have an interesting character. I'm not sure tea and crumpets would appeal to MG.
ReplyDeleteI like the first few sentences, but I'm afraid that there's too much description and "non-active" prose going on here. There's no conflict, no suspense, no action.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you could start with the teacup crashing, then go back to a little description, and then work in the rest of the information little by little later on?
Sounds like an interesting premise. Good luck with the story :D