TITLE: TRAVELER
GENRE: YA PARANORMAL
Someone was watching. Again. LeeAnne looked away from the table where she sat eating lunch with her girlfriends and squinted against the bright, northern California sunshine as she scanned the campus. No one obvious was looking her way -- no one at the other tables, or sitting on the grass, or in the amphitheater. She glanced around at the other girls with her. None of them seemed to share her feeling. A look of mild irritation passed over her face. The same thing happened twice last week, just not at school. No one else noticed anything then either. Weird. She shook her head once and turned her attention back to Grace.
"We call ourselves 'Rocks in Your Head.'" Grace told the new girl, Kylie. "You know, 'Rocks in Your Head' like because we're rocking out in our heads all the time, but then, 'Rocks in Your Head' like because people think we have rocks in our head for thinking our band might go anywhere."
LeeAnne still couldn't decide if the name was clever or just kind of dumb. Who would want to point out the fact that people might think you had rocks in your head?
The feeling crept up the back of her neck. She turned toward it. Not seeing anyone looking back, she attempted to focus on Grace's story. The feeling wouldn't leave. Okay, time to distract herself. Just think about Grace.
Hmmmm...I'm not really sure what to say about this. It is okay, but there is something missing. A little gusto to really draw you in. I would work on it, Add something to catch our attention.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that 'someone' was watching doens't give me enought of a sense that she is in danger, espcecially added to the fact at the end she just wants to distract herself from the feeling. So, is she just paranoid? Does she have powers? And if so, are these powers to detect something evil?
I like the fact that this happens in real time, not with explanatory backstory. It tells me the story is actually starting now, which is good.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that did trip me up was the look of mild irritation passing over her face. When I started reading I figured I was in her point of view, but that one line is not something she could see from inside her own head, and it pulled me out of the narrative fora moment.
I like the idea of being watched by some stalker of sorts, those are my type of stories but I think you need more tension in the first paragraph. It dosn't sound like LeeAnne is worried.
ReplyDelete"We call ourselves 'Rocks in Your Head.'" Grace told the new girl, Kylie. "You know, 'Rocks in Your Head' like because we're rocking out in our heads all the time, but then, 'Rocks in Your Head' like because people think we have rocks in our head for thinking our band might go anywhere."
I think in this sentence you have too many likes, just don't feel comfortable in it though I believe that it's done for a purpose.
Good job though!
Hooked & Intrigued! I want to know whats gonna come next with this elusive watcher, and more about the band! Which by the way I love the band's name, its so quirky and cute:)
ReplyDeleteI thought the first two sentences were a strong opening. The rest of the parg. could be tightened. You have a POV slip there someone already mentioned.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you went back and forth from the mundane to the eerie feeling but the last parg. could be rewritten. The feeling crept up her neck? What feeling? The feeling of being watched is what I assumed, but how can that creep anywhere? Then she turns toward it, which says she's turning toward the feeling creeping up her neck-kinda hard to do.
I probably wouldn't read more because the feeling of being watched isn't enough for me. Perhaps say why she thought she was being watched, or who she thought it might be. It's needs a bit more.
I also like that this starts immediately without back story. I assumed the strange feeling up her back and the watching person were both ghosts? Perhaps I am off here. Assuming that is correct I like where you are going, but would suggest pumping up the creepiness and her uneasy feelings so that the premise screams loud and clear.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is nice but I think you lose the tension. The first paragraph starts with tension, the second and third are more light-hearted and funny, then you go back to tension, but at that point it's lost (to me at least).
ReplyDeleteThe "rocks in your head is cute", I would maybe use that part in a different scene. It has a nice, young tone to it.
Good luck!
What do you think about beginning with paragraph 4?
ReplyDelete--JP
Hmmm. I like the lack of backstory, but the stakes don't feel high enough. She thinks someone is watching her again, but all she feel is 'mild irritation' (which, as someone pointed out, is a POV slip). I just don't feel worried enough because LeeAnne doesn't seem all that worried. I think you need to ramp up the tension she is feeling, so the chatter of her friends highlights how non-casual she is feeling, rather than dampening the tension.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked for a lot of the reasons mentioned by previous commentors.
ReplyDeleteI think Grace's explanation of the name of the band is too literal of a depiction of her valley girl-speak. There are too many "likes" in her spiel.
Also, the fact that the sense of being watched elicited only a feeling of mild irritation made it seem less important. Maybe LeeAnne isn't worried about the feeling, but her lack of concern diffuses the tension that might hook readers.
It's a nice opening, but I don't think I would continue reading because something is missing. I know I'm stealing it from one of the previous comments, but this is exactly how I feel about this piece too. This beginning needs some bright detail to hook the reader. I do like the detail about the band. It sounds funny. But the someone watching part was just a bit too bland. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteYou put us right into the scene, which is great, but like some of the other commenters, I'm not feeling the great tension here that I'd like to in a story in which someone is being watched/stalked. I think the opening needs to have a bigger impact. Maybe it would be better to open on the first day LeeAnne notices she's being watched, and play up the creepy, awful feeling she gets instead? That might make for a more compelling, emotionally gripping opening.
ReplyDeleteYou put us right into the scene, which is great, but like some of the other commenters, I'm not feeling the great tension here that I'd like to in a story in which someone is being watched/stalked. I think the opening needs to have a bigger impact. Maybe it would be better to open on the first day LeeAnne notices she's being watched, and play up the creepy, awful feeling she gets instead? That might make for a more compelling, emotionally gripping opening.
ReplyDeleteJP - if you were asking me if it would be better to start with paragraph four my answer is:
ReplyDeleteI would make paragraph one shorter and revise paragraphs two and three and make the conversation less catchy (although I would put it somewhere else because it's funny and cute, I just think it's too distracting here) keep paragraph four. Then I think the tension would run through the whole opening.
That's just me though, I'm not writing expert. :) Good luck!