TITLE: Hyperbole
GENRE: NA Science Fiction
Without a fresh clue, someone else is going to die.
My fourth cup of coffee is still warm in my mug. I’ve had one for every hour we are into Nox Diem, not that they’re doing me much good. I’m desperate to stay alert. Twenty long hours of suffocating darkness remain this cycle. The work around me has ceased. The other detectives left hours ago, winking out one at a time like extinguished candle flames, trading a frustrating lack of progress for the oblivion of sleep.
My desk is a mess of reports, binders, and photographs, which I comb through. Again.
I think there is a fantastic hook here! I totally get the scifi detective vibe. But I think a few interjections of thought from the character could really make the voice "zing!" "God I love coffee--especially the kind they brew on Zanora..but twenty long hours of suffocating darkness, etc, etc."
ReplyDeleteThere's too much telling here. The only action is the combing through in the very end.
ReplyDeleteHolly
The opening hook is great. But the second paragraph could use some paring, and as Holly said, less telling. The first line about the coffee says enough. I don't think you need the next two sentences which basically say the same thing. Add some IM to replace the telling.
ReplyDeleteThe first line drew me in completely. I didn't find too much telling -- I think the scene needs to be set up so that you can get to the absence of the other detectives. I love the description of them "winking out". This is a story that appeals to me on every level.
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