TITLE: Strange Gods
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Of all the places he could have made his move, in a silent cafeteria surrounded by counselors was probably the least romantic. Mostly because all Spooky could do was freeze and hope no one noticed. Hornets and butterflies swarmed in her stomach as Luke took her palm in his. She didn’t know if she liked his hand on hers. She only knew she didn’t want to get caught with it there.
But then his touch was gone, and in its place, a piece of paper. Spooky’s eyes shifted to the closest counselor, but no heads turned. No one had noticed the exchange.
This opening is a little confusing, I think this is because it sounds like Spooky is the "he" of the first sentence. Also, you're giving us the action in the wrong order which can also be confusing. He needs to make his move with the hand, and then she would think about where it's happening and how she feels, and then he would pull away, leaving the paper. She can't freeze before the move is made, not unless you give her a reason to know it's coming (in which case, she would freeze because of that).
ReplyDeleteHolly
That is such a good point...in my mind he already had her hand then pressed their palms together, but that isn't clear at all! here is a reordering that instantly makes more sense, and helps with the gender issue:
ReplyDeleteHornets and butterflies swarmed in Spooky’s stomach as Luke pressed her palm in his. Of all the places he could have made his move, in a silent cafeteria surrounded by counselors was probably the least romantic. Mostly because all Spooky could do was freeze and hope no one noticed. She didn’t know if she liked his hand on hers. She only knew she didn’t want to get caught with it there.
The beginning is a little disorienting. Spooky is the mc, but then it switches and says 'hornets and butterflies swarmed in 'her' stomach.' The second paragraph shifts again, only this time from her pov to his. I think it would help to keep it in one pov. Otherwise I'm intrigued about the 'secret exchange'.
ReplyDelete