TITLE: TOXIC CROWNS
GENRE: YA Fantasy
I killed the first handmaid. I left the second one alive because Princess Marna doesn’t know how to take off her own gown. I’d help poor Marna untie her corset myself—I’ve done it too many times before—but I’m the one with the knife in her hand.
“Watch the hem, Princess,” I say with a flick of my bloody knife, ushering her behind the changing partition. Princess Marna startles, red curls slipping from her-half finished updo, and gathers her pretty, pearly skirts so they won’t drag in the blood puddle oozing from the slit in the handmaid’s throat.
The first paragraph feels too much like a summary of the backstory. I think you'd be better off weaving that into the action in a way that makes sense. I'd also suggest you shorten your sentences a little. It's too dizzying for the readers if they have to picture 5 different things from one sentence.
ReplyDeleteHolly
I do agree that some tightening up could be helping in clarifying POV, improving readability, etc. But I think the voice is pretty good! I want to know more about this MC. Why did the first handmaid need to die? What is her relationship to the princess?
ReplyDeleteHi there!
ReplyDeleteI love the first sentence. Great opening. After it becomes somewhat disjointed. The line "I'm the one with the knife in her hand" could be shortened to "But I have the knife."
Also the second handmaid is mentioned to be alive, but she isn't shown. I think if you focused on your MC, Princess Marna, and the dead handmaid then it'd be easier for you to pull the scene together. So far, you're on the right track :) good luck!
I wanted to see the dead handmaid lying on the floor, the second handmaid running away or cowering in a corner. I wanted to see the fear or shock or whatever it was the princess felt. But mostly I wanted to see the killer's reaction. Is she pleased with herself? Shocked at what she's done? Talking like a madwoman. For me, that's what would give her a voice.
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