TITLE: Beckoning Shadows
GENRE: YA Paranormal Suspense
The air is thick with the threat of rain as I step out of the County Courthouse’s cold, stone-encased lobby. My head is spinning with thoughts as dark as the heavy clouds. “This can’t be happening,” I keep telling myself as I slip into my Mustang convertible.
I watch my mom, Scarlet, in her dark forest green tunic that deepens the auburn in her chestnut hair; her black leggings and matching heels accentuating her long shapely legs as she stumbles to her red Grand Am. Her eyes are glazed over in shock or fear; I’m not sure. I know I'm feeling both.
I am interested in what is happening. You use as 4 times in the first paragraph. I think there's too many adjectives in the 100 words. Try to eliminate ing words. My head spins with thoughts like the dark clouds. (Only suggestion. You can do better.)
ReplyDeleteThis is good writing, I just don't know if a physical description of her mom belongs at the very beginning of the book. Describing something about the mom's character rather than features might be more interesting so we can get to know her and how she's seen from the MC's eyes. Good job!
ReplyDeleteYeah, this definitely pulls me in. It has voice and an ominous mood that makes me wonder what horrible thing just happened. I agree about the description of the mom. I would go for a shorter one that mirrors the mood of the day/bad thing that just happened. As is it feels more like a description straight from a clothing magazine or something, which makes it clash a bit with the rest of the narrative. Good job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteI am definitely pulled in and intrigued and wondering what in the world happened! I definitely think there could be a little more showing than telling. You describe everything really well and I'm feeling a bit of the ominous vibe here, but I want to really feel it. I want to be as shocked and scared as the mom, if that makes sense. But the writing is really good and I would for sure read on to find out what's going on. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of telling going on here. If her head is spinning with thoughts, you should be showing us with those thoughts, not telling us. Also, it seems odd for her to describe her own mother is such detail, especially when her head is supposed to be focused on something else. The look of shock or fear is good, but we don't need the color of her leggings, shirt and hair.
ReplyDeleteHolly