TITLE: Boy On The Corner
GENRE: YA Horror
I’d arrived a few minutes early to the Rosewood Mall. The only thing to do in Roan Oak other than cow tipping.
I lingered outside of what could’ve been my second home; the buzzing, neon glow of the arcade. Not letting my twitchy legs get the best of me as I waited by the archaic wishing well. Trying not to make eye contact with anybody, shrinking into myself so people wouldn’t notice me. Squeezing out of the way for a young couple pushing along a pink-cheeked baby in a stroller decorated by stuffed pumpkin toys. I pressed against a potted plant.
I love the opening two lines. I get such a sense of the town just from those sentences. At the beginning you say she goes to the mall, but then you switch to the arcade. While I get that the arcade is probably in the mall, maybe omit that detail in the beginning and just say "I arrived a few minutes early to the arcade." This might be less confusing. I also think the next paragraph is bogged down by a few too many details making me trip over some words. Archaic, young, pink-cheeked, stuffed, potted...all great adjectives but putting so many adjectives in is a little distracting, so maybe pick and choose. Good job!!
ReplyDeleteI actually think the first sentence is a little weak but the second one is kind of funny/interesting. So maybe combine them with something like this: "There was only one thing to do in Roan Oak other than cow tipping - visiting Rosewood Mall. I arrived there a few minutes early that day, lingering outside..."
ReplyDeleteI like the twitchiness of the character, and I think you're trying to use that to create a bit of mystery. i. e., why are they so twitchy and afraid of being noticed? However, I feel like it's a bit too much description of that sort of thing in the second paragraph. I'd rather there be a little bit of internal monologue to at least clarify a little of why they're twitchy or what they're looking to accomplish at the mall. Still a good start, though! Good luck with it and I hope this helps!
omg you had me at "cow tipping." Great first line! Now, the second paragraph... can we see some of that same voice in here? The arcade and the MC's reaction are described well, but almost too adult sounding? Like, the archaic wishing well... is there another way to describe this that's more teen and in your character's voice? And I think you could provide some insight into why the MC is trying to stay hidden and out of the way. Hope all this helps! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the opening two lines. The line about cow-tipping is a great hook. For the second paragraph, I think you need to re-word some of the lines, to vary the flow of the sentences. Three of them begin, 'Not letting', 'Trying' and 'Squeezing' and sound too similar. There's a lot of description here. Maybe give us a sense of what your mc's feeling, maybe some IM?
ReplyDeleteI loved your opening line, made me smile and gave me a full sense of what kind of town Roan Oak was. I wish some of this personality would spread into the second paragraph. I think some of the sentences need a little more work/polishing i.e. " Trying not to make eye contact with anybody, shrinking into myself so people wouldn’t notice me." This two sentences say pretty much the same thing, maybe leave one, and replace the other for something the MC would feel if avoidance didn't work? Just an idea. Best of lucks!
ReplyDeleteI think you need to work on your sentence structure. For example, when you say "I lingered outside of what could’ve been my second home; the buzzing, neon glow of the arcade", you are saying that her second home is the glow, not the arcade. I don't think this is what you mean. I also don't like the multiple sentence fragments afterwards. These can work in YA, but they aren't working with your pace here.
ReplyDeleteHolly
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