TITLE: Truth in the Treetops
GENRE: YA Contemporary with paranormal elements
Sweltering heat bakes my skin as I shuffle along the narrow path, the hot breeze offering no relief. I uncap my water bottle and chug the last drop of tepid liquid. Eight miles at cross-country practice and now this, plodding home in a sauna. Ugh
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Through the bushes and tall, leafy oaks, I follow the steep descent of the hill, my throat parched, sweat trickling down my back. What I wouldn’t give for a bucket of ice water to douse myself with.
“Hey, what’s the rush, Gabs?” Asha, my bff asks, shuffling behind me. “Slow down.”
“Sorry, it’s just so freakin hot."
I've seen more than one post where I think voice gets swallowed by description, which I KNOW is not incredibly helpful and I'm really sorry about that. Try working in more of the general vibe of the book. Is this a romance? Horror?
ReplyDeleteI can tell you know how to write with voice. I think you're opening could be stronger if you started with some action instead of just telling us how hot it is. While it's very good writing, it doesn't capture the reader as much as if we knew right off the bat what the MC was up against.
ReplyDeleteI think you could lose the second paragraph here. The first one already sets up that it's hot, and then it's said again in dialogue. Use that extra space to give us some other information.
ReplyDeleteSo far this works for me. There's definitely a strong sense of voice here and the staggering heat - and the fact it sounds like these girls are by themselves out in the middle of nowhere - builds a sort of ominous feeling. So, I'm in so far!
ReplyDeleteI like all of this except "my bff" which is telling. Let the reader figure out who Asha is by the interactions between the two.
ReplyDeleteHolly
P.S. The best friend in my book is also called Asha. Nice name choice! :-)
The voice is coming through for me, but it's a little overpowered by the descriptions. I think if you pare down on the setting, you'd create the opportunity for a little more of the storyline in these opening paragraphs. That being said, what you've done is very appealing.
ReplyDelete