TITLE: Standing Too Close
GENRE: YA Contemporary
The bell rings as I’m emptying my locker. After so many years, I’m conditioned, and I jump, ready to slam the door closed and run to class. Second period is bio and the lab’s upstairs in the school’s new wing. I have to hurry if I’m not going to be late.
But I don’t hurry. Because I don’t need to worry about being late to bio or to French or English or any of my other classes anymore. As of ten minutes ago, I’m no longer a student of Milton High School.
Nice twist, but it almost feels as if that's the end of the story, because this reads more as an anecdote than the start of a novel. It's also oddly distanced, because you're so in the character's head that he/she (and we) do not see other students scurrying. That's the contrast I think is missing here: other students do all this rushing, and she/he is moving at a different pace, with a different intention.
ReplyDeleteI don't think this makes sense. Why would she jump and think about needing to hurry when she clearly knows she doesn't have to (and says so a second later)? She can't lie inside her head. Either she knows she's not in a hurry or she doesn't. Yes, she might flinch at the sound of the bell but she wouldn't then think about hurrying, not unless she has forgotten that she isn't a student anymore.
ReplyDeleteHolly
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ReplyDeleteI would delete the last two sentences of the first paragraph. And tell us other students whiz by to make it to class. Then tell us why she's not in a hurry.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Holly. I thought it was strange that she was about to go to class, when she knew very well she didn't know anymore. I don't believe that she would really think she had to hurry to class. Otherwise, I like your hook of not going to the school anymore. I want to know why.
ReplyDeleteIs this supposed to be an unreliable narrator? It's reading a bit like that, even if you didn't intend it t that way. This does raise some questions - why does the MC need to hurry? Teens don't usually say the whole name of their school.
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