TITLE: The Bea Team
GENRE: YA Contemporary
I like the way a piece of material takes shape into whatever I want—a tank top, dress, pants, or a skirt, the possibilities only limited by my imagination. And there’s the type of material from cheap cotton to expensive silk, although most of my creations tend to be on the cheaper side, like Lulu’s dress.
“You know you could make more money selling your pieces instead of someone else’s,” Lulu says, unwrapping a chocolate Lollipop. “I’d give you a million bucks for this little number.”
I smile. Lulu’s concerned more with how the dress makes her look.
I read the first part of the first sentence over a few times, not sure, but I think it’s the words ‘takes shape into’ that threw me off. I believe you are saying, “I like the way a piece of material *becomes* whatever I want.” The whole ‘takes shape’ got me thinking of magic and shifters, but that was obviously a false step on my part. I do think ‘becomes’ would be clearer. The next sentence “And there’s . . .” is missing something, a verb. I like the idea of Lulu thinking the dress makes her look like a million bucks. That’s humorous. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the first sentence needs to be modified, perhaps to "can take shape" since she is talking about this in theory instead of in action. I also think this would make more sense if it came after the action. Otherwise, we have no reason for her to be thinking about this.
ReplyDeleteHolly
I agree with the comments above about that first line. I had to read it a couple of times to make sense of it. I like Lulu's voice though, especially the way she exaggerates the way people do in conversation.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a really unique POV - a young fashion designer I assume? I think it has great voice - her friend saying she would pay her is a great line. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteThere is promise here...agree with above. Let's see/feel the material become something with her as she snips a thread, or finishes the final hem (whatever sewing things go into it:). I'd read more to see who she is, will become. Good luck.
ReplyDelete