TITLE: Princes Charming
GENRE: Adult Fantasy
The blind girl trembled in the corner as Gertrude raged over her.
“Tricked!” she snorted, though her snorts were akin to what one would hear from an enraged stallion. “Outsmarted by my own contract.” She continued to pace; the blind girl counting her steps both to keep track of where the witch was and to calm her mind, keep the panic at bay.
The steps stopped. The blind girl cowered further down, though she could almost feel the air parting as the witch’s hand descended toward her head.
“One must deal with what is in front of one,” she said
I think this beginning is very intriguing! But I'm a bit confused about who the MC is... I kind of hope it is the witch--Gertrude. If it is, Gertrude's perspective should be mentioned first. We should see into her mind and know her thoughts, not the blind girl's.
ReplyDeleteI can't figure out who the main character is here. It sounds like it's Gertrude/the witch since you name her, but it's in the blind girl's POV so that wouldn't make sense.
ReplyDeleteHolly
The witch was outsmarted by the girl? Why does she cower? I thought the girl was the mc and as I read wondered why you didn't name her.
ReplyDeleteI am a little confused by the location?... she is "trembling in the corner" of a stairwell? The witch continued to pace... how can she pace in a stairwell? "the blind girl continued to count the steps"... the witches steps? So then was the witch pacing or climbing down/up the stairs?
ReplyDelete" (...) though she could almost feel the air parting as the witch’s hand descended toward her head." She HAD to have felt the air parting, since she is blind how else would she know the witch's hand was descending? Technically she would cower further down, AFTER feeling the air parting, not before, because she is blind and wouldn't be able to preempt the witch's blow to her head.
Maybe use this line to put more weight on the relationship between the two characters... have they been together long? Have this happened before?...
The steps stopped. Only the first time it happened it had taken her by surprise, but now, now she knew the sound the witch's hand made when it parted the air on its way to her head. She didn't need to hear it, nor to see, she know all too well what would happened, and what to do. She cowered further down.
I was drawn in by the beginning sentence and loved the quick "Tricked!" as first dialogue. I agree that you would want to clean up who the MC is and be specific with tag lines. But I enjoyed the voice and would read on. Kudos. And good luck.
ReplyDeleteAgree that the POV and who the MC is is confusing, but I do think you have voice here, so keep going! In general, I prefer to see the name of someone, instead of a descriptor like the blind girl. You may have a good reason for doing that, but think about it carefully. Readers connect with characters with names.
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