Wednesday, October 14, 2009

15 Secret Agent

TITLE: In Darkness Reborn
GENRE: Paranormal Romance

The Baharak left her alone to watch Jakk die. A suffocating sensation tightened her throat. Aysia leaned against his bedside, her legs shaking with the effort to keep her standing. With a hand that refused to stop shaking, she stroked her ward’s hot cheek, sliding her fingertips through the damp, copper hair lying in limp strands on his moist skin. He moaned, his head moving from side to side. Agony etched deep lines into his skin, giving his young features the illusion of advanced age.

Jakk wouldn’t last much longer. His terror-filled wails, soft now, came farther and farther apart. Each ragged inhale and choked exhale drew him from her. When he died, she’d have failed to keep her promise. Failed to do her duty.

And you’ll be all alone. She shuddered at the reminder she couldn’t escape and pulled her hand back. Folding her arms about her waist, she held tight and rocked. Anguish squeezed her heart, making it impossible to take a deep breath. Unable to watch his pain, she closed her eyes. He made a slight gasp and for a brief moment, silence hung heavily in the room.

Except. . . a tiny noise, a whisper of silk brushing against stone, grabbed her attention. Her eyes snapped open and she pivoted. Her gaze swept around the room. Faint light from two luminas cast numerous shadows on the smooth, granite walls of the large chamber. Flickering darkness mocked her attempts to see the secrets hidden within.


  1. Hooked. The end of each paragraph pulled me into the next.

    I love the descriptions. Not overdone.

    I would definitely keep reading. I want to know what her promise was.

  2. I liked it, too! I thought your description of him dying was fabulous - particularly each breath taking him farther from her. Nice job.

  3. Would cut out the second 'shaking' and replace with trembling, since her legs are shaking , her hands are shaking. Maybe I'm picking a little.

    It's paranormal romance with some good descriptions so far, so I'd keep reading.

  4. Great voice. You used some great details to show me where they are and what they're facing. I would definitely keep reading!

  5. I dunno... this ward, implying younger, weaker or whatever, is dying in a suffering way, but your MC seems more concerned with how it's affecting her. Not too heroic, IMHO. Maybe if you let us know there's nothing she CAN do to save him/it?

    Otherwise, smooth writing, good description.

  6. I thought the opening paragraph was very good, but I started to lose interest as the passage went on to describe her reaction.

  7. I'm with Texcat on this. If he died, she'd fail and be alone. Seems kind of selfish to be thinking about herself.

    Also,I wonder if a terror-filled wail can be soft. And what is the large chamber? A bedroom? A prison cell? A hospital room? And the secrets hidden within what? The room? The luminars? The shadows? The light?

    It seems a bit rough and could use more work.

  8. Nice description of the death, but the opening is concentrating a little too much on the description for my tastes. The writing is good, but I think paranormal romance just isn't my cup of tea. Good luck!

  9. Have to disagree with those who think heroine is too selfish. I think she's in pain and I tnhink it's hard to see the kid suffer. I like the dark environment and description. Can really feel the pain/hurt and her being lost. Like this more than I like the quirky stories about silly heroines. Good luck!

  10. Definite potential here. However, if she failed to do her duty and the ward lays dying, presumably from some sort of wound or attack, then shouldn't she also be injured?

    Maybe I'm reading too much into it. My point is give us a little more about how the ward is suffering and how Aysia tried to prevent that.

    If he's dying from a dagger wound, maybe there are bodies on the ground and lesser cuts on Aysia. If he's dying from poison, then Aysia's attempts at healing have obviously failed.
    We need to see the tax and toll his death has taken on her, more than just her internal thoughts and fears.

    Good writing though!

  11. Fantastic job of showing her emotion here. A few words didn't work for me, like shaking legs and shaking hands, but that didn't stop me from enjoying it.
    The one thing that did pull me out of the tension you created was the para that started with "Except..." it's just too passive and not urgent enough. Maybe consider changing it around a little

    Her eyes snapped open and she pivoted. A tiny noise, a whisper of silk brushing against stone... what was that?

    But yes, I'm hooked.

  12. This is well done with lots of terrific description. I'm almost hooked and would definitely give it a few pages.

    The first paragraph does a great job of showing (not too much telling) her emotion. Great description of the kid.

    Second paragraph is chillingly vibrant and I can almost hear the wails and the rasping breath. I like the realistic thought she has here of having failed to do her duty. It intrigues me, makes me wonder what's behind all this.

    I don't interpret "you'll be all alone" as selfish but rather a statement of fact, something that's making her ward's death even more difficult.

    Maybe in the last paragraph, consider deleting "Except..." I think it'd be stronger to just jump right into the "tiny noise" that interrupts the flow of the narrative just as it interrupts her quiet agony.

    Nice job. This is well written!