Wednesday, October 14, 2009

20 Secret Agent

GENRE: Mystery/Suspense (steamy romance)

“This is not a date!” Her stilettos paced a tempo on the hardwood floor, echoing throughout his sparsely furnished bachelor apartment.

“Well, it kinda is.” He winked, trying to play the cute card but she wasn’t buying it. No gain on play.

She gazed at him with the same detached air, like a scientist observing a lab rat. “This is strictly a business arrangement.”

“We could make it a date.” He patted the sofa beside him. “Sit down and relax.” He flashed his boyish grin.

She huffed out an impatient sigh. “That’s against the rules. You better get this right or I’m outta here.” She turned as if to leave.

The rules again. “Wait! I worship you. You’re a goddess. You drive me wild with desire. I think about you all the time.”

“And?” A smile played at the corners of her mouth.

“And-—” He loosened his tie. “The thought of you turns me into carbon steel and warm butter at the same time.” He ran his fingers through his hair, cropped short in an attempt to control the curl.

“And?” She took three steps toward him, stopping so close the scent of her perfume hit him like a fist. She tapped one of her red stillettos.

He stared at her pedicured toes, gleaming as bright as the gold ankle bracelet he’d bought her. “And because I’m your worthless slave to use and abuse. Do with me as you please, just do me.”

“Not an option,” she said.


  1. First of all, love the title.

    I would read on to find out what supernatural creature Angelica will be meeting at the ball.


  2. Nice voice and humor. Good dialogue. However, the scenery needs to be set up just a little more, I think. The only mood in the room was Mr. Wannabe Done's. :-)

    Although I barely know anything about the characters and their relationship, I liked them. I would read more.

  3. First off, I am not the expert on "steamy romance." That said, I loved it. Hooked.

    Was I supposed to laugh? I did.

  4. Like the dialogue and the voice. It took a minute to realize which charachter's head we were in. We still don't know the mc's name, but I would read on. Good luck!

  5. Sorry, not quite sure how my first comment got onto your posting, when it was for another one.

    Getting back to your ACTUAL story...

    I do like your title, actually.
    You had me hooked on steamy in the genre (red, clearing throat).

    I liked the banter between the red stillettod woman and Do Me Man.

    I'm not sure what the mystery, suspense angle is in the first 250 words.

  6. A little hooked. Great voice and flow.

    Curious when the mystery/suspense will take place. I would read a few more pages to see what happens.

  7. Not totally hooked.

    There seemed to be some head jumping. Your point of view wasn't clear. Is it the woman's or the man's POV?

    Good dialogue, but it isn't first-page-opening dialogue. IMHO. Maybe and action scene first?

    It is witty and has a good pace.

  8. Good dialogue and I like the humor between the two. I'm hooked!

  9. I love the voice, but still wasn't completely hooked. I think it's because the POV isn't clear at the beginning. I like to be with someone from the very beginning.

  10. I wasn't hooked. The descriptions are well done, but the dialogue didn't seem realistic to me. But that might just be because I don't know enough about the context.

  11. Love the voice, but totally lost on the POV. It's the man's, yes?

    The word stiletto at the beginning put this into the realm of female POV to me, as I do not believe my husband would ever think of or use that word, yet here it is twice. He would also never say "The thought of you turns me into carbon steel and warm butter at the same time." :)

    I'd love a few more details thrown in - she's in stilettos but what else? I have no idea what's going on, and I think it's too long a time to be this coy. Just my opinion though, it seems like it worked for others. I might read more to find out what's going on.

  12. Entertaining and intriguing, but a bit short on detail. I'm not sure if this is a couple role playing, or a prostitute (but then the gold ankle bracelet?) or what. Fun anyway.

  13. Not hooked as-is, but could be hooked.

    The ever-changing descriptions bug me. First we're doing football analogies, then science lab, then boyishness, then ... augh.

    What's with the hair-cut-reasoning when he runs his fingers through his hair? Kind of takes me out of the action again. I want to be IN the action, not above it musing on the reason someone cut their hair a certain way.

    And if she's in stilettos, how can he see her toes? Stiletto *sandals*, yes. Maybe a bit more description needed there. (Even peekaboo-toed shoes would only show him two toes or so, and not very well at that)

    Get the dialogue a bit more human feeling, and clean up the descriptors, and I'd keep reading. I like the possibilities here.

  14. I'd continue reading. I want to know if he's a politician--or maybe she is!

  15. I also believed it was her POV, then it switched to his. Even though you wrote "His" sparsely furnished bachelor pad, it didn't make it feel like his POV. You probably need something less ambiguous there.

    The exclamation point after the first sentence has her shouting, and then she's suddenly detached, then sighing, which made me feel she was more a stock character than a real one.

    And after 250 words, I can't even venture a guess about what the story might be about. You didn't even tell me their names. Why? Is it important that we don't know their names?

    There wasn't anything here for me to latch onto. Not hooked.

  16. Not hooked. It feels overdone, plus I'm slightly confused. I spent the entire passage trying to figure out what was going on instead of getting absorbed into the story. It's strictly a business arrangement, but he bought her a gold ankle bracelet. It's her POV or maybe his. She's detached and impatient, but he's coming on to her like an overheated romeo (wild with desire, turns into carbon steel, just do me). Some of the imagery seems off -- her perfume hits him like a fist, her toes are gleaming bright as gold. I'd need to know more about the characters before I get to this scene to be invested enough to read on.

  17. This is good, but to me it feels like the middle of chapter, not the opening. I think if we start somewhere with some action rather than dialog, I would feel more pulled into the story.

  18. The stamping up and down and the detached gaze don't match. Stamping implies anger and passion, while detached is the complete opposite.

    I agree that this doesn't feel like the start of a chapter. This as it is, isn't pulling me in.

  19. This feels over written to me. There are way too many adjectives.

    Head hopping aside, I've really no idea why these two are together.

    I wonder if she's trying to mess with his head with her nearness? His reactions are quite puzzling.

  20. This looks like it has the potential to be a fun story with some humor, but I’m not quite hooked as currently written.

    I had the same problem everyone else did with not knowing who’s POV we were in. I think when you open with her speaking and a description of what she’s doing, we’re automatically primed to think we’re in her POV. Open with something from him and this is easily fixed.

    I didn’t love the football term thrown in there. I also felt his line about carbon steel and warm butter was completely over the top. Not sure how funny or facetious he’s trying to be, but the humor isn’t coming through clearly.

    wondering if they’re role-playing somehow. I’d probably read a little more to find out what’s actually going on here, and to see if the story picked up.