Wednesday, August 8, 2012

August First Line Grabber #20

TITLE: Anomaly
GENRE: Young Adult Fantasy

Unable to look away from the thick, sharp needle ready to spew cyanide into my veins, I wonder if it really matters how I die—because it’s going to happen either way.

77 comments:

  1. No: Too much description, needs to be toned down a smidge.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes, although it's the end of the sentence that draws me in. "I wonder if it really matters how I die -- because it's going to happen either way." Do you really need the first clause?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yeah, but only because this seems like a great lead-in to a dystopian. As a fantasy, though, it kind of falls flat.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yes. I'm instantly intrigued by what the narrator could have done to warrant an inevitable death, especially one by cyanide. And I have a thing for cyanide.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yes. Even though the sentence is a little clunky and falls flat at the end, I'm immediately captured by the fact the MC is dying in the first sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  6. No. It feels a little gimmicky and overtly attention grabby, and if I were already into the story, it would pull me out.

    It's also clunky, and I think the sentiment would be more powerful in short, direct sentences.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yes. It sounds interesting and I would like to know why it matters how she is going to die.

    ReplyDelete
  8. No. It is a little too heavy for a first sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  9. No. Too wordy, and I don't think needles spew things.

    ReplyDelete
  10. No. Start with "I wonder if it..." and then it's much better. Tried to do too much.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yes. I'd have to read long enough to see if the MC lives. Then we'll see.

    ReplyDelete
  12. No. I was really on the edge with this one, but the writing was too much and the end about it happening anyway was like DUH. Everyone dies.

    ReplyDelete
  13. No. Very wordy.

    ReplyDelete
  14. No. Feels overdone with the word choice.

    ReplyDelete
  15. NO. The first sentence sounds too defeatist and depressing. Had the first part with the cyanide been left off, then it would have been a yes.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Yes.

    But only because the awesomeness of the first half of the sentence overrides the not-awesomeness of the second half.

    "Unable to look away from the thick, sharp needle ready to spew cyanide into my veins," YES! Love this.

    "I wonder if it really matters how I die—because it’s going to happen either way." Don't love so much. A little cliche. Not an interesting or original thought.

    ReplyDelete
  17. No. Too long. Some of the word choices seem off - a thick needle? a needle spewing? - which makes me think the rest of the story will be just as cumbersome. And 'either way' doesn't make sense to finish the sentence. There are many ways to die.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Yes - it's a little cumbersome for a first sentence, but I still want to know what happens.

    ReplyDelete
  19. No - but I would if you inverted it and cut it in half, i.e., beginning with "I wonder if it really matters how I die - it's going to happen either way."

    ReplyDelete
  20. Yes, because the end makes me want to keep reading--I want to know why the mc is going to die. I do think the wording is a little bogged down. Still, I'm super curious to know more about this.

    ReplyDelete
  21. No, regretfully. I like the idea, but as others have said it's too wordy. Try something like "Unable to ignore the needle about to inject my veins with cyanide, I wonder if it really matters how I die."

    ReplyDelete
  22. No: "Thick, sharp needle ready to spew" sounds really clunky - the overall sentence is a bit too long too. Really heavy handed for a first sentence. I like the premise, but this is not as great of a first line as it could be.

    ReplyDelete
  23. No. Needles don't spew, but besides that, when I look at a needle I'm more wondering how much it'll hurt. Wondering how you die would be less important when it's happening, I think.

    ReplyDelete
  24. No. The sentence feels a little awkward, and I know that she's not going to die. 'The I survives' right?

    ReplyDelete
  25. No, the word 'spew' drew me straight out of the story. It seemed both imprecise and too cavalier for the context.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Ewww, you guys are killing my breakfast! But I'd go for a yes because I like the second part, how it's going to happen either way.

    ReplyDelete
  27. No. I mean, I'm torn on this one. It just felt a little too bulky and the word spew hung me up for some reason. Sounds like something I'd read, but I'd simplify it a bit. The ending of the sentence does it's job and grabs me but it was all that did.

    ReplyDelete
  28. No, a bit too much description for the first line. Close but no.

    ReplyDelete
  29. No. The word choice is clunky. A needle can't spew inside a vein and why is he wondering about death when it's imminent? I wonder about the weather tomorrow. I don't wonder about imminent death.

    ReplyDelete
  30. No. Overly wordy, especially with extra adjectives like 'thick, sharp'. All we need to know is that it's a needle.

    ReplyDelete
  31. No, it feels a little over written to me.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Yes. It's wordy, but I'm intrigued.

    ReplyDelete
  33. No. Wordy and clunky and a bit confusing. And "spew" threw me off.

    ReplyDelete
  34. No. Too much information! Perhaps if you edited it down, made it punchier.

    ReplyDelete
  35. No. I agree with an earlier comment: "I wonder if it really matters how I die -- because it's going to happen either way." Do you really need the first clause?

    ReplyDelete
  36. No. Tough to read,sounds morbid and if the protag is giving up in the first sentence, where is the story?

    ReplyDelete
  37. No, a little too dark and intense for the opening line. We don't know your character well enough yet to care if or how he dies.

    ReplyDelete
  38. No. Too much description and I didn't like 'spew.' It has good conflict though. I little tweaking and I think this one's a winner.

    ReplyDelete
  39. No
    Yuck. I hate needles so this just makes me cringe and not want to read.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Yes. But, take out the "thick", it slows the first part down too much. I was also a little confused by the "either way" since we don't have any idea what the other way is yet. But I would read the next couple lines.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Yes. I thought I wouldn't like it at first since I like shorter, snappier first lines, but I think it accomplished what you wanted without falling apart.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Yes although I'm on the fence. This would stand better without the last phrase.

    ReplyDelete
  43. No. There's just too much detail happening here. I get the feeling you're trying to tell me that this character was facing something that was going to kill him that wasn't the needle. My problem is that death is going to happen to everyone. It's never an either This or Death option. It just either This Death or Death Later or Death Considerably Later.

    ReplyDelete
  44. No. Good idea, but over written.

    ReplyDelete
  45. No.
    Too awkward in its construction and the choice of spew does not fit with needle.

    ReplyDelete
  46. No. Turned off by "I wonder" (telling).

    ReplyDelete
  47. No, sentence feels too clunky.

    ReplyDelete
  48. No. I was on the fence here. I'd like to know why this character is about to be killed, but this sentence is clunky and makes me worry that the rest of the story will be wordy and slow.

    ReplyDelete
  49. No. "Spew" seems a bit heavy handed, especially along with those adjectives.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Yes, though I don't like "spew" I want to find out more about how the narrator is telling the story or how s/he got away.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Yes. I think it might strengthen the sentence to somehow move the death up, or somehow split and shorten--there is a lot of info in this sentence--but the needle and cyanide drew me in right away.

    ReplyDelete
  52. No. It's clunky and packs too much information into one sentence. And "either way" suggests one of two ways but we only see one.

    ReplyDelete
  53. No, though I'm tempted. There's really too much introspection going on for a first sentence. Try starting with the needle and explain the inevitability later.

    ReplyDelete
  54. No. The sentence is a bit clunky, and since he/she is narrating the book, I know he/she isn't going to die.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Yes.I'm curious as to how they got into this position, and I'm intrigued by the voice. I wonder if this is showing an ending as prologue, though. It does feel kind of clunky, though, and could probably be split into multiple sentences.

    ReplyDelete
  56. No. If the first sentence is this flowery, I can only imagine what the rest of the book is like.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Yes. For YA I think it works okay. It's awkward though, and I didn't like 'spew.' It's your character though, he/she is going to say what they're going to say.

    ReplyDelete
  58. No. Death in the very first line is never much of an enticement for me.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Yes. I want to know if the MC finds his/her way out of this predicament.

    ReplyDelete
  60. No. Way too much going on, maybe if it was edited down to something simple, it would have a bigger impact.

    ReplyDelete
  61. No.

    I like the idea of going to die no matter what... but the description here was too heavy, and it didn't feel in the moment (too retrospective) to be 1st-person present.

    ReplyDelete
  62. No. Too complicated and "spew" calls attention to itself.

    ReplyDelete
  63. No. It starts with way too many prepositional phrases. Start with "I wonder.. ."

    ReplyDelete
  64. Yes. What in the world is going on?

    ReplyDelete
  65. No. Too much information forced in, which makes it sound stilted

    ReplyDelete
  66. No. I don't care about the character yet, so I don't care whether he/she dies or not.

    ReplyDelete
  67. No. Seemed forced, especially the word 'spew'.

    ReplyDelete
  68. No. The subject matter is interesting but the first line us too wordy.

    ReplyDelete
  69. No, I think there's too much going on. If it was simple like 'I can't look away from the needle.' maybe.

    ReplyDelete