Wednesday, August 8, 2012

August First Line Grabber #21

TITLE: Ghost River
GENRE: Paranormal Mystery

If God had meant for humans to live on water, we would have fins like Aqua Man and hair that doesn’t frizz.



76 comments:

  1. Yes. It sounds the beginning of a 'just enough snark' paranormal, and the type of voice I prefer is immediately apparent.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes. It's got a lot of voice and I'm wondering why the speaker is living on water and what that entails.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yes. It's got a lot of voice and I'm wondering why the speaker is living on water and what that entails.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yes. Good voice and I like when cliches are turned on their heads.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yes, but it could be fine tuned. It was catchy and had voice.

    ReplyDelete
  6. No. There's nothing wrong with your sentence, but it just didn't grab my interest.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yes. Funny, plus, I relate to the hair comment.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yes. It's cute and accessible without losing tone quality. It almost sounds like song lyrics. I immediately like the narrator.

    ReplyDelete
  9. No. Perhaps too much description. Or maybe the God part, but whatever it was turned me off.

    ReplyDelete
  10. No. I can see why you need fins to live in water but why would you need them to live on water? Frizzy hair is good, however.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yes. Love the offhand comment and voice.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yes. I like the voice.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Yes. Love the attitude and the reference to contemporary culture.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Yes.

    The frizz saved you. There was something about it that felt stiff, though I know that's not helpful because I can't pin point what. "hair that doesn't frizz" made me smile though and I want to know about your character.

    ReplyDelete
  15. yes. draws me right in to another world, and love the humor right off the bat. great job!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Yes, good voice, and the frizzy hair part made me smile.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Yes. Aqua man and frizzy hair are so at odds with each other that it worked.

    ReplyDelete
  18. No. Nothing wrong, just didn't hook me.

    ReplyDelete
  19. No. Sounds like it should read "in water" not "on water."

    ReplyDelete
  20. No. The "on" water was off for me.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Yes. The voice is great and I love the Aqua Man reference, it make my inner nerd happy. I'm intrigued!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Yes, Aqua Man hooks me in but its hould be in instead of on.

    ReplyDelete
  23. No, nothing was wrong, but it didn't grab me.

    ReplyDelete
  24. No. My first thought was, "Shouldn't that be 'humans to live IN water'?" and that left me puzzled.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Yes - Made me laugh, but I'm curious as well about the living on vs. in water.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Yes. Great humor, but feels adolescent in a way. Is MC/speaker a kid or teen? Would read to find out.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Yes. I was going to say no until the "hair that doesn't frizz." Great voice set up with that one.

    ReplyDelete
  28. No. I agree there's nothing wrong with the sentence, it's just not the sort of voice I'd be interested in reading.

    ReplyDelete
  29. No. I would take out God and Aqua Man.

    ReplyDelete
  30. No. It really doesn't promise any conflict other than conflicting images- fins in water/ hair doesn't frizz in water- no fins needed on water/ hair does frizz in humidity.

    ReplyDelete
  31. No. The content just didn't work for me.

    ReplyDelete
  32. No, it felt like it was trying too hard to be funny, but it didn't pull me in.

    ReplyDelete
  33. No. "Next to" or "in" instead of "on" would sound better. I was really on the fence about this one - because I liked how you made the comparison to something huge and epic (like Aquaman) but then leaving it with the frizzy hair bit makes me a bit interested.

    Like I said, I was a close to being hooked...

    ReplyDelete
  34. YES. I love the voice and the humor, and the frizzy hair totally makes this line.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Yes
    I'm a Christian, so I like the inclusion of God. And I'd be interested in seeing why this is relevant. Sounds like a good conflict between man and nature.

    ReplyDelete
  36. No. Sounds like there is a sermon coming up.

    ReplyDelete
  37. No. Why would it be necessary to have fins if living "on" water? Wouldn't the humans be in a boat? Do you mean "in" water? Confusing.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Yes because it's a good voice. But the comic nerd in me has some quibble. I don't think Aquaman has fins and I believe there is no space between Aqua and man. If you're going to make pop culture references accuracy is important, otherwise you pull nerdy folk like me out of the story.

    ReplyDelete
  39. No.
    Nothing wrong with it stylistically but it just does not pull me into a story the way that I need to be.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Yes. Good voice and a bit of humor. Plus, I love paranormal mystery.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Yes, because of the frizzy hair line.I know what water can do to frizzy hair, lol!

    ReplyDelete
  42. No. The hair frizzing comment sounds frivolous, and makes me think the story will be about conflict of similar magnitude. Possibly someone who reads more in the genre might like it more - I may be biased.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Yes. It's cute and pulls me in.

    ReplyDelete
  44. No, just doesn't interest me.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Yes. There's a sense of snark indicating a character I'll probably find entertaining.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Yes. It's humorous and catches my attention.

    ReplyDelete
  47. No. The sentence assumes too much mythology that I am not willing to accept.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Yes, I like the voice. Makes me wonder why the use of "on water" instead of "in", especially because of the reference to fins.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Yes. I liked the reference to Aqua Man, and I didn't feel like you were assuming the existence of God so much as setting up character voice. I liked the voice!

    ReplyDelete
  50. Yes. The voice suggests a character with a humorous a point of view.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Yes. Fun voice. Though I wasn't sure until I got to the last word.

    ReplyDelete
  52. No. It just didn't hook me. Also, the phrase "live on water" confused me.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Yes. It has a strong voice and I like the way it referenced Aqua Man and "hair that doesn't frizz." It makes me guest that the MC has frizzy hair.

    ReplyDelete
  54. No. Confuses me more than intrigues me.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Yes. I hated "Waterworld" which this makes me think of, but it's snarky and I like that.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Yes. I like the voice of the character.

    ReplyDelete
  57. No. Opening with a cliche doesn't grab me. It's something my grandfather would say. Maybe if there was a twist rather than the normal fins & frizzy hair--something completely outragous like blow holes or eight arms and built-in sonar, I would be tempted to continue.

    ReplyDelete
  58. No.

    You almost got me with the humor of the no-frizz hair (this seems "cozy"), but you need fins to live IN the water.

    ReplyDelete
  59. No. The cliche opening doesn't give me confidence in what will follow.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Yes. It made me giggle =) and I'm curious to what's going on.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Yes, funny and voicey.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Yes. I like the voice and writing style

    ReplyDelete
  63. Yes, LOVE the voice. Into the story already. I would go a long why with this one.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Yes. This character already has me captivated.

    ReplyDelete
  65. No. Didn't appeal to me outright, and I'd have to read more to be hooked.

    ReplyDelete