TITLE: The Other Side of Nice
GENRE: YA Contemporary
I once found a photo of my dad's penis tucked in the back of my parents’ bottom drawer, hidden beneath sweaters and old tax records. I’d been snooping around, not looking for anything in particular, and mistook the erect member for an oddly shaped finger. I tucked it back into the drawer and thought nothing of it until a few weeks ago, when my friend Rose Petal snuck a copy of Playgirl into our freshman biology class.
My original question still remains--how does she know it's her dad's? And what is this story going to be about? The problem is that I'm not sure I want to know, especially not in YA. Although for adult--like if this is gonna be a sexual abuse story--this is certainly interesting.
ReplyDeleteMy question is the same as the last time, and the same as Petre's. How does she know it's her dad's?
ReplyDeletei am more concerned as to how she is a freshman with no idea what a penis looks like....stretches my belief a bit.
ReplyDeleteHow does she know it's her Dad's penis and not someone else's?
ReplyDeleteI was too stuck on wondering that to really get in to the rest of it, but if that was taken care of I might keep reading.
I still find it too creepy that it's her dad's penis to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm too busy trying to figure out how she goes from not even knowing what a penis looks like to not only knowing it's a penis but also realizing that it's her DAD'S penis. Seems like there's going to be a lot of loss of innocence happening here, and that's not my thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure where this is going. Obviously, she's telling this story from a time and place of greater knowledge, but.... I don't know. I might just not appreciate stories that start with penises. (I'm also tripping over the name "Rose Petal".)
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA! Love it! Don't care if it's her dad's or not. Sounds reasonable that if a kid (teen or otherwise) find a naked pic in their parent's drawers, they'd assume it belonged to their parents. I also think that if someone found a home-picture of a penis, since it's the last thing you'd expect to find among such ordinary items as tax records and sweaters, you'd mistake it for something else. That she mistook it for a finger relates more to her father's, ahem, shortcomings than to hers. Sure, this is not everyone's cup of tea, but it's well-written and begs you to read on. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAssuming I got past a photo of dad's penis, (ew) I actually didn't get from the sentence that she didn't figure out what it was before tucking it away, after the initial mis-identification. I was still going 'no WAY she just forgot about seeing a pic of her dad's penis' when I went to 'wait, she's a freshman and doesn't know what a penis looks like?'
ReplyDeleteA little disbelief that she didn't know what the penis actually WAS. Otherwise, a fine set-up for a YA contemporary.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I think this is really funny. I would reco not specifying that it was her dads - it could just be A penis - but to me this is classic parent trauma. I also love that she thinks it's a finger. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI think I can see something funny coming up. But how does she know it's her dad's penis? That might bother me enough to stop reading. Maybe change it to a picture of her father naked. That would explain it just as well.
ReplyDeleteI echo the comments above: How does she know it's her dads? How does she NOT know what a penis looks like? I was hoping the extra lines would clear up the point of the first one, but it's only confused me more.
ReplyDeleteStill funny! And yes, it is totally possible for a girl to get to that age and not know what a penis looks like. At least it was in our day. Things are different now, what with the M-TV and moving pictures and all.:)
ReplyDeleteThis is personal preference, but I wouldn't keep reading. This type of subject matter doesn't interest me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I agree with some of the other comments about knowing it was her dads and not knowing what penis looks like. Doesn't make much sense to me.
I would not read on after that first sentence. Maybe if it just said "found a photo of a penis", then I might reconsider.
ReplyDeleteI echo Kathy's thoughts. This is totally personal, and nothing to do with your writing, but I don't think I could keep reading. I find the image of her dad's penis more disturbing than funny.
ReplyDeleteI actually like this opening, but some of the questions other commenters pointed out I would need addressed, or rationalized away, as I read on to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI said this in my previous comment on the line, but I think this might be a tough sell to get published -- specifically as a first line. This made me think of Chelsea Handler's "My Horizontal Life," a memoir of her sexual exploits which opens with a memory of she and her sister walking in on their parents having sex. It depends on what you want to do with this book; if it has a Chelsea Handler naughty girl vibe, which I'm getting from the additional Playgirl line, then you might be aiming for something original. Whatever you open with will set the tone for your story, so if a theme about sexual discovery exists, this might work.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the writing, I would remove one of the "tucked" occurrences, probably from the first line since it *could* be read that his penis was actually tucked in the drawer (omg, this has to be one of the most entertaining Miss Snark comment threads in awhile with all the penis commentary). Also, I did not think for a second that the MC did not know what a penis was; she couldn't tell from the picture (blurry maybe?) what it was, not that she didn't know what one looked like.
Like others, I still want to know how she knows it's her dad's but with the extra lines, I am now more concerned by the fact that she is not completely mortified or even a little affected by what happened. I would expect something more like "The Horror, The Horror!"
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Holly
I just want to say that I never questioned whose penis it was and, when I was a freshman, I didn't know what a penis looked like, either.
ReplyDeleteSo YES, I would keep reading. This made me laugh. :)
I agree with the ick factor regarding dad's penis. Changing it to "...a penis..." would probably make less people run away screaming. The "oddly shaped finger" part is funny to me, if I can get past the disbelief that she doesn't know what a penis looks like. But now I'm not sure about her making the connection between dad's erect penis that happens to be finger-sized and Playgirl since Playgirl, last I saw, only shows flacid penises. Wow, I think that's the most I've ever used the word penis in a paragraph. Oh, and the name Rose Petal, do we really need the "Petal" at this stage. If it's a cutsy nickname, couldn't we wait to call her that?
ReplyDeleteIt seems like a lot of people have a problem with wondering why she knows it's her dad's . . . but since this is told in past-tense, I think it's obvious she realized later. Don't worry about that, it comes across very clear. :)
ReplyDeleteSeems interesting enough. This isn't really my genre but it has a good start.
i love that first line, and the seocond, and would keep reading after the third. i don't care how she knew that penis was her dad's b/c i know i'm going to find out.
ReplyDeletei like. could use some of the fixes mentioned above, but i'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI like it, but then I got stuck on 'Rose Petal'. I could only think, seriously? Is that a nick name? Huh? Crazy parents? Could work in your favour.
ReplyDelete