TITLE: Issue 339
GENRE: YA (magical realism)
"Why would you kill off a superhero's parents, and every girl he's ever loved, like that?"
The calm voice broke at the word "that," and the young man in the ski mask clenched his fingers. That was his first movement since he entered the writer's office and slipped into the office chair in front of the huge mahogany desk.
I liked the first line but the follow up is kinda humdrum. Who is the 'young man?' Why not name him? We'll find out eventually. And what's his relation to the narrator?
ReplyDeleteWhat? I'm confused, not intrigued.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I'd read more. I don't feel the first line of dialogue connects well with your second paragraph. I feel more confused than anything else. I can't picture this calm voice you mention, and so I don't feel very grounded.
ReplyDeleteThis is a selfish comment because I adore the Meta genre, but OH MY GOD MORE PLEASE.
ReplyDeleteYou just pushed every button I have.
On a more technical note, the way you describe his movements is a bit... I dunno, passive? There has to be a more dynamic way to describe his motion.
Hooked me and drew me in. I normally don't like dialogue to begin but this one has info in it that supports it. What follows is unusual enough (ski mask) to make me want more.
ReplyDeleteYes, if I got past the first line (which got a no from me before). Character seems interesting and yes, it seems meta, which I enjoy.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested because of the conflict you reveal in that first line--although I think the last sentence is a little detail-cluttered. You could remove the part about the mahogany desk.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't all that into this sentence by itself because it felt a bit awkward and didn't convey much emotion or tension to me the way such a statement should. The rest is even clunkier, more awkward, and downright confusing.
ReplyDeleteSo.... writer is getting into trouble from a crazed, masked fan? Or the hero, himself?
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming something like THAT, so I'd keep reading to find out. If that's not what's happening here, then I might put the book down when things turn more mundane.
I'm lost. Although the title is intriguing, I can't really tell what's going on (or more importantly, WHY), and this isn't what I'd expect of magical realism. Also, I thought the writing was a little clunky, a little overly wordy.
ReplyDeleteThis went somewhere differently than where I thought it was going from just the first line. However...this sounds pretty omniscient. Is the person behind the desk the narrator? A secretary? Other observer?
ReplyDeleteSorry, I forgot to say, I am kinda interested in seeing if the kid's comic book hero angst leads to something more awesome. But a tighter narration would make it more of a yes.
ReplyDeleteThis is a case where if the back cover blurb interested me, I'd keep reading (as others have said, meta? yes, please!). Taking the lines by themselves, however, I'm a no.
ReplyDeleteI don't know who the MC is and whose side I'm supposed to be on. It seems like it should be the "young man in the ski mask" since apparently the writer wasn't aware of the young man's presence.
Or is the writer even there? On rereading, there is mention of "the writer's office" but not whether the writer is present or if we have a monologue going on.
In any case, I don't know why the young man would think of himself as "the young man in the ski mask" or if the writer would think of him/herself as "the writer."
The first line is interesting, the rest is a lot of setting and didn't grip me. However, I would probably read on.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the way this is written at all, yet the context grabs me. And I don't even know what "meta" is!
ReplyDeletemetabolic? metaphysical? Metallica?
The way this is written leaves me confused more than curious. The first line is interesting, but the next two seem convoluted and confusing. I had to reread the sentences a couple of times to figure out what was going on.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I wouldn't keep reading as it stands.
I liked the first line, but the next two did nothing for me to want me to read on. The description in the third line is clunky.
ReplyDeleteThis ended up totally different than I expected. When I saw that first line under the YA genre, I imagined two kids in a comic shop talking about a storyline from a new issue. Obviously, I invented all this in my head which is not your fault! The following lines puzzle me; the distant narrator is definitely different for YA -- not to say it can't be done, it's just more of a challenge IMO. These lines to me don't give quite enough context for me. I don't know what comes next to say the lines aren't needed, but I think a different approach might work better to follow up the intriguing first line.
ReplyDeleteI think this would be stronger if you gave us his arrival in present tense, rather than flashing back to it in the 3rd line.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Holly
The first line was cute. The rest is confusing to me. Of course, you're limited to three lines.
ReplyDeleteI think the sentence should end after office chair and talk about the desk in the next sentence. It feels too crowded and there's too much to keep track of.
ReplyDeleteThe last two sentences feel too removed for me; "young man" and "writer" are both vague and I don't know who the main character is here.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't grab me, sorry.
ReplyDelete