TITLE: Scents
GENRE: YA
Someone once asked me how it felt to have faith. I replied, “Faith is knowing a light exists, even when darkness surrounds you.” I’ve come to learn that no force in this world could break mine—not even something as powerful as mezmosis.
I'd read more. I like the way this is written, and I am curious as to what mezmosis is.
ReplyDeleteMmmm see I liked the first line, but the second line is way too predictable for me. It's stronger to me if instead of putting dialogue here, you just add another paragraph break, and say "Faith is knowing a light exists..." etc, "and no force in this world can break mine--not even..."
ReplyDelete"I replied" and "I've come to learn" just weaken the story for me because it interrupts the voice and focuses on the 'now' instead of on the story in the past that we're being told.
I agree with Petre above. I also think you kind of give things away by saying no force could break her faith, because while we may not know what it is she's going through, we now know she will make it through successfully, the only question is how. Without that line, we would wonder if her faith was broken or not.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy the idea behind this, I'm curious about what mezmosis is but I agree with something I read above, it felt predictable in a sense. The description of faith is good but it doesn't tell us how it 'felt' which is what the first sentence asks. Maybe it's like holding a light inside or something that makes it come alive instead of a piece of dialogue.
ReplyDeletecurious about mezmosis, but this feels quite heavy-handed.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I'm not intrigued at all. It sounds a bit like the opening of the essays I have to mark, and I don't particularily like being reminded of that while I read fiction for fun.
ReplyDeleteWhile I'm curious about mezmosis, this does feel like it's going to be all backstory and description. Can you show more?
ReplyDeleteNo. Feels didactic.
ReplyDeleteAre we supposed to be commenting on these? Mezmosis? That word alone tells me the author created something and makes me want to read on to find out.
ReplyDeleteI like that opener--it's a good description of faith, and I also am interested to know what mezmosis is. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely read more. Mezmosis is a grabber for me. It tells me this is something unique the writer created. I'd also like to know what this character went through in dealing with this. These three sentences make me ask questions, and I would read to find the answers.
ReplyDeleteI agree with others regarding the second sentence. It's a bit cliche. The word mezmosis sounds enough like a real word that it yanked me out. Might want to save world building elements for further in.
ReplyDeleteI don't like this one any more than I did the first time. The second para just confirms what I feared from the first line, the tone is gonna be preachy and heavy-handed. Honestly, by the time I get to "mezmosis," it just comes across as a clumsy gimmick to fancy up a boilerplate morality tale.
ReplyDeleteAnd if there's one audience that tends to not like being preached at, it's the teenaged set.
Great first line, but the rest seems to set up a morality tale. I especially didn't like the phrase "I've come to learn."
ReplyDeleteI don't mind learning morals as I read kidlet (shocking, I know), but I'd rather they be interwoven a little more subtly than this.
I liked it. I agree with Petre Pan that the second and third could be rewritten so its less telling. But, I like the idea of faith and explaining how it impacts one's life. But the author will have to choose whether to do more explaining of faith or whether you want to get the meat.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on - I want to know about mezmosis. But agree with some of the comments above that it would be stronger if you told us how faith feels vs. what faith is, since that is how you set things up in the previous line.
ReplyDeleteI'd rather know what she has faith IN before I'm told what might (but doesn't actually) threaten that faith. I agree that there are some unnecessary phrases that slow down the narrative and that the reply about what faith feels like seems pretty common and predictable.
ReplyDeleteThe first line grabbed me, but the rest was a bit full-on for my tastes. It also tells me that her faith will survive to the end, making an conflict on that point lose tension.
ReplyDeleteThe word mezmosis meant little to me.
I don't think I'd read on. It feels preachy and I hate that. Also, knowing on the first page that she manages to keep her faith makes me feel like I don't need to read the book to know how it ends.
ReplyDeleteThis would be a whole lot more intriguing if I knew what mezmosis was. Since I don't, I have no connection to this character or this story.
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ReplyDeleteI don't find this opening to be very 'grabby' for me. It neither has action nor a real strong sense of character.
ReplyDeletePretty. It grabs me and I want to find out what mezmosis is!
ReplyDeleteIt's nicely written and I want to see what mezmosis is. So I might keep reading to find out what it is. But it doesn't grab me. In fact, I would have stopped reading had you not thrown in a word that I didn't know. the character feels distant and nebulous to me, not gripping or even intriguing or like someone I want to learn more about.
ReplyDeleteI would not read further. That last word kind of sealed the deal, too.
ReplyDeleteThe quote sounds really wise and old, and if the character isn't wise and old, I think I would stop reading pretty quickly. The mezmosis would keep me reading for a few pages, but if the person didn't match that tone I'd probably stop.
ReplyDeleteI think it is an interesting start. The word 'mezmosis' cries out to be sxplained which I assume will come soon. It is unfortunate that the author did not provide a genre which would help the reader to understand the context. I find it amusing that one or two have had visceral reactions to a discussion of 'faith' as if they are personally offended by it. Methinks they have issues. There are a vast number of young people who are invested in their own faith and questions about how it fits into our world so to say this would turn off young people is really more a reflection on the person commenting and their own MTV world view than the work. The sentiment expressed says nothing more than what Star Wars did with "the force" or what many fantasy worlds describe in terms of a mystical power that encompasses everything and everyone. So, I say go for it and continue on. It is refreshing to read something that is not dependent on vacuous sentiments to move the story forward.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but this doesn't grab me. It's a nice moment of reflection but without a character or something happening, I am not pulled in.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Holly
Curious about mezmosis, but I'm feeling distant from the character. I'm not drawn in.
ReplyDeleteI like it, definitely.
ReplyDeleteNicely written and I'm curious about mezmosis. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't grab me, but neither does religion.
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